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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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:: Richard Swift - As I Go
:: Snowglobe - Rainbow
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time




Want To Cure Global Warming? Make Really Big Sunglasses



Sometimes aging scientists get nostalgic for no good reason. Sometimes aging scientists get nostalgic for a very good reason. Environmentalism of the 1970s is a very good reason for scientists to get nostalgic.

You see, when I was a young scientist the big fear was a new Ice Age. Yes, the trend had been that in the 20th century to-date, even with all those big factories pumping out noxious gas and fumes, the earth was cooling. Pollution was the problem, they said. Too much sulfur was preventing the sun's yummy rays from entering terra firma.

Now it turns out global warming is the problem. That means - you guessed it - we don't have enough pollution preventing the sun's yummy rays from entering our atmosphere.

Fear of a new Ice Age at least made sense. Throughout earth's history, 90,000 of every 100,000 years has been Ice Age. And it's been 12,000 years since the last one, which means we are overdue.

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Global Warming doesn't make as much sense. Most global warming doesn't come from people or factories, it comes from plants. I don't know about you, but I get tickled trying to think of ways environmentalists can blame Big Business for too many plants. Then again, TIME Magazine can write most anything with a straight face - they did a big cover story on global warming that had in its first paragraph, "Suddenly and unexpectedly, the crisis is upon us."

Maybe the guys at TIME are confused about what the words "suddenly" and "unexpectedly" actually mean. I can't pick up a newspaper without reading about global warming. TIME goes on to say that we're all going to Hell in a handbasket because of glacial ice sheets melting and a 20-foot rise in the oceans. It's like WaterWorld, only with better actors.

Wait ... Archimedes lived a long time ago and even he knew better. Those glacial ice sheets can melt all they want and it doesn't make a bit of difference in the level of the oceans. Now, if all of Greenland melted, that would be a problem - but the temperature of Greenland itself isn't rising at all.

Some scientists are no different from any other government pork-barrel recipients. They only think about funding. Like the saying goes, "No bucks - no Buck Rogers." Since global warming is the cause celebre du jour, that is where some will go to get money.

So what are those scientists claiming is the answer to global warming? Make really big sunglasses. Or mess with the clouds to act more like our old friend pollution - the easiest answer of all is to inject more sulfur into the atmosphere, which is one of the proposals geo-engineers have out there.

Yes, you read it correctly. We spent trillions of dollars creating government regulations and re-tooling factories to halt the emission of sulfur into the atmosphere so now we will need to spend trillions to create a government agency to inject sulfur into the atmosphere. Sometimes I hate scientists. And I am one. And I hate irony!

Let's not panic just yet. After all, global warming only became a problem when George Bush took office in 2001. Al Gore says we still have 10 years before catastrophe occurs. And 10 years just happens to be 2 years until the next election plus the 8 years to the end of his second term as President if he wins. So at least we know he has a plan.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:38 AM |

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Have An Older Brother? You're Probably Gay



I am in the science business, people, and if there's one thing I know because of my extensive experience in science, it's voodoo. Statistics is voodoo, plain and simple. And it might be evil, but I am not going there just yet.

This study says they have found a biological basis for homosexuality - it happens to men who have brothers.

HUH? Yes, they use statistics to say that since 95% of gay men have brothers, brothers make people gay. Or moms who have more than one son start creating gay ones after the first. Or something. I am not really sure what their conclusion is because the premise itself is baffling. To quote Wolfgang Pauli; "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

Now, first things first, I got no dog in that gay/not-gay fight.* I couldn't care less, other than it being fun to make jokes when a gay director makes an American icon look gay as often as possible and then goes out of his way to say he's surprised people think the character is gay.**

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And for humor purposes I am all for junk science. It is relatively harmless and gives Al Gore a way to feel important. But now biologists are in on the scam? I haven't been so outraged since that assclown invented string theory.

But when gay statisticians get together with junk science I have to draw the line. 95% of homosexuals have older brothers so older brothers cause homosexuality?*** That's right. Thus, if you have an older brother, you're probably gay.

Wait. I have lots of older brothers. Does this mean maybe Bryan Singer will make me Superman in the sequel? I can provide my own codpiece.


*Number of emails I will get insisting I am gay because I made jokes about gay Superman; 2.

**I'm still going to see it on Thursday. Bryan Singer rocks.

***Insert your own joke here.

posted by Buckaroo at 6:58 AM |

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Everybody Hates You



This study says Americans have fewer close friends than they did 20 years ago. Now, sure, you're thinking 'hey, people move around a lot more than they used to so it makes sense you wouldn't have as many close friends you see often' which is what the study measured, but I have a different theory:

People just don't like you.

Let's face it, if you're reading this blog you're probably taking a break from watching Carmen Electra's Strip Aerobics, you've exceeded your ISPs bandwidth limit for downloading porn or you've already disappointed more fat women than Jenny Craig and are out of dating options.* Plus, with the rise of the internet you can always find someone somewhere in the world who digs your schtick so actually being liked in real life isn't as important. Or, if you're me, you're here because you're sick of people liking you so you have to be a little edgey online. I swear, if I get one more set of supermodels knocking on my door to have orgies of unprotected sex, I am climbing the water tower with a rifle.

It could be worse. If you've never been on a train in Japan you just don't know crowded isolation. Everyone in Japan is packed in like sardines and they're all on their cell phones text messaging people somewhere else instead of talking to each other. Heck, I talked this girl into shaving her legs on a train in Japan and people barely noticed.

Come to think of it, that was a pretty good practical joke. I just didn't realize until now I was doing anthropological science at the same time. Click on the pic below and see science at work for yourself:

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*Or, of course, you just dig funny scientists. In which case, thanks.

posted by Buckaroo at 5:59 AM |

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Sometimes Science is Not The Answer



I know, I know, you're wondering if you're at the wrong website. No, this time I mean it. Take the Mona Lisa, for example. Why is the Mona Lisa popular hundreds of years after it was created? Because it harkens back to a simpler, easier time when women smiled a lot and kept their traps shut. But, no, you knew someone would screw that up and leave it to Japanese scientists to figure out how. In case you don't like peace and quiet in your art, find out what she would sound like here.

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Since I am blasting interfering Japanese engineers, let's kick around American web designers too. If this isn't the worst commercial website I have ever seen, you all have to call me Emperor of Rome from now on. All I wanted was a new pair of kicks. I shouldn't even put a link to them lest they think they are doing something right but you have to see this for yourselves. If these Puma guys make shoes as bad as their website, Reebok stock is the lock pick of the 21st century.

Nick Lachey has yet another chick. I have gone from abject ridicule of this guy because he cried a lot and thought wearing her shoes was all the kink Jessica Simpson wanted to grudging respect to downright friggin' admiration. I guess it's time to update Nick Lachey's CandyLand game.

Need proof Nicole Kidman is not dating me? You know she can't be because she says 'no' to sex. She was married to Tom Cruise for 10 years so a few more weeks without sex is no big deal for her but I bet Keith Urban doesn't like it. Unfortunately for him I was not her rebound relationship.

Finally, I wanted to let you know I have decided to pursue a new career: manny. Not for Britney Spears, of course, but since Adriana Lima sweetened her offer considerably, I will think about it:


posted by Buckaroo at 7:00 AM |

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Can I Be John Connor This Time?



Robocup 2006 will take place later today in Bremen, bringing us one step closer to apocalyptic destruction at the hands of our robot overlords.

Yes, it is robots playing soccer. Teaching robots to play soccer without any kind of central control is exactly what society needs. Next we can teach them to make factories that build more robots and dress up like Yul Brynner. Or that chick on Battlestar Galactica:

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Oops, wrong Battlestar Galactica chick. Here:

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Much better.

No wait, let me be Kyle Reese when the big fight happens. I'm already working on the cool dune buggy with the laser turret on the back. And he got to nail Linda Hamilton.

posted by Buckaroo at 6:01 AM |

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DC Comics Thinks Only Lesbians Read Batman



Batwoman is back!! The hero you have missed since 1979 is finally returning to DC Comics. She's tall, dressed in black ... and she's a lesbian.

Yes, a lesbian. Apparently there is some controversy in this but I can tell you aging scientists aren't exactly against the idea. A 5'10" girl wearing a skin-tight leather bat suit and confused about her sexuality? My Bat-A-Rang is ready to be thrown to the nearest comic book shop.

You may not know this, but I am something of a Batwoman expert. Let's face it, anyone with this movie poster in his bedroom and a picture of his chick dressed like so on his nightstand is into Batwoman:

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Last year, I moderated a panel on female empowerment during the Worldwide Batwoman Conference and I can tell you that the number one topic during the discussion was her sexuality. We were as confused as she apparently is. Here is an example from the minutes:

Dorkwad: "Batwoman's sexuality shouldn't be manipulated and exploited just to sell a few comic books. It isn't like they took a risk with a major character, they are just using Batwoman to sell some books and then they can kill her off or make her straight again or something. Besides, isn't she hot? I thought only ugly chicks were lesbians."

Gaywad: "Are you kidding? This is DC. They'll just have a mini-series called Crisis on Counter-Culture Earths or whatever to sort all this sexuality business out a few years from now. DC is nothing if not committed to causing upheaval in 60 years of continuity every so often. Plus, she'll be the tall one in the lesbian relationship. They're allowed to be hot."

Naturally, I was there to make sure all sides came together. Keeping that kind of hostility in the closet isn't good for close-knit communities like the Batwoman fans of the world.

Chief Scientist: "For too long, factionalism has divided the Batwoman community, senselessly pitting dorkwad against gaywad in bitter inter-wad disputes. Thanks to efforts on both sides, we can look forward to the day when the -wads of this great nation can all sit down together and play HeroClix at the table of brotherho ... errrr, sisterhood."

So we settled things at the Conference and decided we were okay with the idea of a hot, lesbian Batwoman. DC is taking the high road, of course.

"This is not just about having a gay character," explained Dan DiDio, vice president and executive editor at DC. "We're trying for overall diversity in the DC universe. We have strong African-American, Hispanic and Asian characters. We're trying to get a better cross-section of our readership and the world."

So there you have it. The three asians, blacks and hispanics who actually read Batman comics can now feel better about their place in the world because DC has lumped them in with ... lesbians.

"We wanted to make her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family. That's one of the reasons we went in this direction."

Huh? 'More unique personality?' Okay, anyone who writes comic books and uses a term like that doesn't need to be kicked around by me. I am sure that in high school plenty of helpful scientists robbed him of his dignity ( and his pants ) but, seriously Dan, if you want to make a different female comic book character, make her not look fantastic in skin-tight leather.

Oh, who am I kidding? This is BATWOMAN, people. Asking her not to look fantastic in skin-tight leather is like asking me not to grace this blog with the dark genius of Dostoyevsky and the divine humor of Pynchon.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:08 AM |

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