Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time
Here's all you need to get out of any barroom argument on motion, large and small (bonus - by using the terms "large" and "small" motion, you won't gain anything at all in the bar, but physicists are bound to notice you did your homework), with your dignity intact:
1) Einstein was not a fan of quantum mechanics. His "spooky action at a distance" comment was not an endorsement. But by stating that light was both a particle and a wave he was probably the founder of quantum physics.
2) Neils Bohr and other guys pretty much dismissed Einstein by simply stating that they were dealing with things so small that the act of visualizing or measuring them changed them into something else. So scientific experiments wouldn't work.
3) Schroedinger had his famous cat, who was half-dead and half-alive at the same time and the inspiration for this funny bit of scientific poetry. This whole theory threw Einstein into a rage, whence he issued his "God does not roll dice with the universe" line.
God may not throw dice but he may have a sense of humor. Or irony, if you use the language like Alanis Morrisette does.
The guys who agreed with Bohr went off and built atomic bombs using, in part, quantum phyics. Einstein got pushed aside as a relic. Now it turns out he may have been more right than wrong. Where's the humor in that? Well, if you can be dead and alive and right and wrong, you can also be a particle and a wave.
And that's pretty funny no matter what religion you are.
"Only nine percent of the 662 people polled picked Bush as their favorite among the last 10 presidents. John F. Kennedy topped that part of the survey, with 26 percent, closely followed by Bill Clinton (25 percent) and Ronald Reagan (23 percent)."
Now wait a minute. I do numbers in my head all of the time so this makes no sense. If Bush got 9%, Kennedy got 26% Clinton 25% and Reagan 23%, that's already 83% of the vote. From only four Presidents. So if there are 6 other Presidents in the poll, even if 5 of them got only 1%, that means only one other President could be ahead of him. If my math is correct, and it is, Bush was probably only 5 among the last 10 Presidents and it was only possible he could be sixth. So how did Reuters get last place out of that?
posted by Buckaroo at 8:03 PM
Finally, A Bin Laden Scientists Can All Get Behind
Wafah Dufour changed to her mother's maiden name after September 11th, 2001 and has never met her famous uncle but her appearance as a model in GQ reaffirms what I have always said; if you want to affect change, do it from the inside. We have to start somewhere so we might as well start with Wafah.
I don't know about you, but my thinking is that without prostitutes, it just ain't the World Cup. The Germans aren't going to say there is no prostitution at all - that would just be crazy talk, especially if you have seen German women - but they know that they don't want hookers from other countries everywhere so they have made handy signs to let you know where it isn't allowed. The Germans are pretty good about obeying signs, except ones that have things like "Border of France" and the Star of David written on them.
Did you even know Canada was still a country? I didn't. I thought we bought them back in 1992 because we needed the parking. But, no, turns out they are still a country and they even have courts. This one says that you can have swingers clubs and sex in them and it's all good. I know I'm supposed to be indignant about that but I really don't care. For one thing, what consenting adults do is pretty much their own business. Unless they are doing it to my chick. Then bullets are going to fly. For another, this is a surprisingly conservative approach by the Canadian courts, who are usually pretty much in everyone's business telling them what to think and to put "eh?" at the end of sentences a lot.
And it shows Canada is desperate for immigration. But here's something they should know. 'Swingers' usually don't look like what you see in online advertisements, they usually look like this. Especially Canadians. I'd rather get a hand job from one of those taloned guys in the black hoods in those Lord of the Rings movies than have sex with a Canadian girl.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:28 PM
If you like MTV Cribs, you are an idiot. Without it, though, we wouldn't get this Santa version.
Weezer guy makes news for staying unmarried for two years. Okay, maybe I will give him a break because he never actually uses the word 'celibate' ... it's a journalist who wrote that headline and we know how stupid they can be. Weezer guy has abstained from sex for 2.5 years now, as if that is some sort of achievement. Heck, I went for 15 years once and I was really, really not trying. It ain't like he abstained from orgasms. That would be a miracle. I haven't had one since 2AM and I am already a little testy.
The easiest way to prevent extinct creatures from being created again is to simply not pay for it. The scientists have only mapped about 1% of the genome so far and would need serious funding to do the rest. Even when that's accomplished, you can't just stick that information into a big E-Z Bake Oven and pop out a woolly mammoth. They can't even do that with modern DNA much less an extinct creature. But imagine if you could. I'd pay a lot of money to bring back Rita Hayworth.
Yes, I do actually have a framed "Gilda" poster in my house. No, I am not a gay man.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:44 AM
If there's one thing I know, it's Buddhism. So I can vouch for the fact that Buddhists are absolutely thrilled that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting married in a Buddhist ceremony precisely because it doesn't really count to them. No one objects to being trivialized by western Hollywood types less than Buddhists. I don't doubt that Brad is serious on some level - he is trying to co-adopt her kids one crazy way or another. And only in Hollywood is that even possible.
Besides, who doesn't want to fake marry a girl and then adopt her children? Wait, did I just say that? I meant "Have sex with a travelling band of hot midget Gypsy women." Twice.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:56 PM
Now, I've had plenty of hot, naked women chained to the pipes in my basement. But they never broke anything because they were in on the fun. Except that one girl in 2003. She wasn't laughing. Come to think of it, that was a pretty weird day.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:55 PM
He referred me to Chapter 6 of his best-selling book, "Internet Seductions For Dummies" - 'Why webcams matter'.
"This idiot in France is the perfect example for why webcams matter," Bro said. "How much embarrassment could have been avoided if she had just fired up the webcam. Now he is stuck rationalizing six months of cybersex with his mother by saying things like, 'The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I'd never seen before. I'm grateful for that.' No, he isn't. He's mortified and will likely never get a date in Marseilles again. And his dad is pissed.
"So webcams matter for two reasons. One, as sure as I am sitting here, 8 times out of 10 if a girl writes you out of the blue, she is either as big as a Sumo or she is a man. Webcams prevent that problem. Two, looks are clearly the most important thing in any relationship, so if she is ugly you won't have to bother liking her.
"If it turns out to be a man, and he pulls the 'we can just be friends' line, don't be fooled. The last thing you need is more friends. They take pictures like this as jokes and put them on the internet. Did that poor guy even know they had doggie chew toys in the house?"
And that's without the other stories about students seducing female teachers and lots more. What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can't wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.
School officials, who spent decades insisting teaching children how to have sex would lead to less sex, are a little aghast. They even went to the stripper and asked if she had been coerced or forced in any way so they could press charges and pretend they had some morality. She said "no", she was okay with it and the pictures all over the internet. See what I mean? Not only are today's youth going to make sure America stays out in front of the world business community by being crafty and smart, they will be unapologetic about it.
If you want to see the free amateur college stripper, go here. And you're a perv.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:43 AM
"It is known that the risk of death in adults with diabetes is approximately twofold that of the general population."
Huh??? I'm no scientist but - wait, yes I am. So therefore I know that the risk of death for every person in the world is already 100%. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. Saying I am twice as likely to die if I have diabetes is just annoying when I know I am going to die anyway. Why not die convulsing behind the wheel of my car, so I can take a few Asian drivers with me? At least that would be funnier than living to be 107 and crapping on my floor.
Now, this was someone writing for Reuters. They're British, so I'm not surprised they have such little grasp of the English language, but isn't there at least an editor there reading this stuff before they submit copy?
I am writing this crap for free and I have better command of sentence structure and the basics than these jacklegs. And I would have let it go except they basically say the same thing over and over again and make the same mistake.
Sometimes I make the same mistakes over and over, like buying that bad of Cheez-Doodles and insisting I won't eat the whole damn thing. But I have a genetic imbalance. What is Reuters' excuse?
posted by Buckaroo at 8:04 PM
Sure, I am pleased as punch that there is huge turnout in the Iraqi elections but I want to know why the mainstream media are last to press with the knowledge that Iraqi women are all secretly Ninjas.
That's right, you read it here first. I agree it's a clever tactic to make them wear burlap sacks but with all of that stuff on, how do you know they are even women? The Japanese have already taken over our small electronics industry and have cornered the market on cutesy alien cartoon characters that compete with American industry icons and now they have set their sights on the oil in Iraq too.
It's like Pearl Harbor all over again. Except in the mid-east. And they have no Navy. And we're friends with them. Well, anyway, you get my point.
The proof is even there in the article and none of those respected 'journalists' bothered to point it out, which means they are in on the fix. But since I am not ... and I accept personal checks if they want me to be ... here is all the proof you need:
But those San Antonio boys-in-blue held firm ... or the video cameras were rolling ... because they didn't flinch. Instead they busted Danielle Gamba and Carrie Minter for public intoxication and getting rowdy on the flight from Denver.
What are these San Antonio cops, Officers Cosby and Martinez, made of anyway? Here I am sucking down Miracle Greens and lifting weights and these two guys have somehow magically acquired willpower that would make Uri Geller cry in his oatmeal.
Kudos to you, guys. Here are the 34Ds you apparently did not notice when you were unaware that the scenario you were experiencing is how 35% of porn movies start.
There's a town in Brazil running out of space in their cemetaries. They have lots of rivers and what isn't river is The Amazon Rainforest, which no one who lives there is apparently allowed to use thanks to helpful enviromentalists in other countries. What to do? Well, if you are a government bureaucrat the obvious solution is to ban death. Makes sense to me.
70% of people die in their beds. So I would go one step further and ban beds. Or at least never sleep in my bed. Sleep on the couch instead. Presto, I automatically live longer because I can't die in my bed if I never sleep there.
So I am with this guy in Brazil. Let's ban death. And Emo haircuts while we're at it. But death first.
You Know I Have Arrived When I Can Outsource My Video Gaming
I confess I have a lot of video games. I have two gaming systems and a desktop PC with a 21" flatscreen monitor. But I'll be darned if I have time to play any of them. The most important reason is because I always have to be doing two things at once. I can't sit in front of an Xbox and play games because I couldn't watch a movie at the same time then. And most games that require the graphics of a desktop PC are filled with time-wasting activities and not much actual story.
The Asians know we are that lazy. So they have established whole factories where they do nothing but play video games in 12-hour shifts. Then they sell off the games, characters, gold pieces, prizes, whatever to overly wealthy yet inherently slothful gamers in other countries.
I haven't yet discovered a way to outsource phone calls to relatives, household chores and writing this blog to Asia but video games are a nice place to start. I feel more productive already.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:24 AM
You don't need a Master's Degree in History to know that the casting in the movie Memoirs of A Geisha was going to cause some problems - and if you do have a Master's Degree in History, I ordered a grande Mocha extra hot, with the whipped cream. Anyway, back to the movie. The movie, you see, is about Geishas. Those are the Japanese girls who make you tea and generally keep their traps shut. And the movie has two Chinese girls as the lead actresses.
Get it? No, of course you don't. No one does, except the Chinese and the Japanese and every other country in Asia which happens to hate every other country in Asia. These people are livid. The Chinese are angry because their Chinese actresses are acting as Japanese women and one of them even has a sex scene with a Japanese man - much as tens of thousands of Chinese women did while being raped during the occupation of Nanking in 1937. Japan is angry that director Rob Marshall couldn't find a single actress in Japan to portray Japanese women. And that their grandfathers still talk about how hot the women in China were during the occupation of 1937 and that they can't get any today.
Why am I angry? Because this movie isn't out yet. Americans don't get upset about this kind of thing, unless maybe Hugh Grant tried to portray an American man. Or any man, for that matter. Did the Polish get upset because Meryl Streep played a Polish woman in "Sophie's Choice?" No, they were just happy someone remembered it is an actual country and not just a word before 'joke.' I simply want this movie to be out because it has the two greatest Asian actresses around; Michelle Yeoh and Zhang Ziyi.
Now, I will confess that I have been enchanted with Michelle Yeoh since "Heroic Trio." I mean ... she is so eye-gougingly hot in her martial arts scenes that the fact she is still Asian causes no end to confusion in my penis. And Zhang Ziyi has only been in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and other crappy wire-fu movies but she looks like this:
Need I say more? Perhaps this blending of cultures can go a long way to ending racism in Asia. It's too big an issue for me. But I'll be the one in the back of the theater December 24th canoodling with Lady Scientist so don't interrupt.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:40 PM
If there's one thing my career dating supermodels has taught me, it's that nothing gives a woman the strength and courage of a deranged lion like a big chunk of cocaine. You wouldn't think an 85 lb. elf like Kate Moss could do much damage to a guy my size, but when she head-butts you because you are both between her and her cocaine and you didn't tell her how beautiful she was the requisite 100th time that day things can go to a bad place really fast.
She then compounds her stupidity by hiring an undercover cop to kill the men and steal the cheese/cocaine. Hiring a fake hit man to kill guys who aren't drug dealers in possession of cheese she thinks is cocaine. Ain't that poetry?
posted by Buckaroo at 12:35 PM
Jill Pagan - apparently her real name - had her door attacked and found a note written in a language apparently understood exclusively by other witches. That's this Theban thing I mentioned. She says it's a hate crime inflicted on her by cranky, anti-social witches.
What a surprise that overweight women who own a lot of cats because they "understand them" better than humans would have conflicts with other crazy harpies in their community.
"Someone knew damn well that I was a witch and that I would recognize Theban for what it was," Pagan said, angry at what she calls a hate crime on her Belvedere Lane home.
"This sounds like an internal thing between other people of her faith," said Bob Engborg, a retired Daytona Beach police officer who specializes in strange and unusual crimes that involve occult beliefs. "They don't like her and the work she is doing or the way she is doing the work."
So Jill, heres some advice. Stop reading from the Book of the Dead and sacrificing squirrels and stuff.
You just need a nice relationship with a man and to bake a few pies. That would settle you right down.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:33 PM
Nothing makes me giggle like B-list actresses saying stupidly ridiculous things. Even fame-whoring British magazine reporters are aghast that she contends she had to go into therapy when she was six years old for seeing ghosts.
"In New York City, everybody goes into therapy. Yeah! Oh my God, yeah! I mean, sure, I had trouble, I was seeing ghosts and stuff, but it's to do with the New York environment, I guess. But yeah, I struggled as a kid but it didn't, you know, define me."
Apparently it did. And what does she mean 'everyone' goes into therapy? Excuse me, did Claire Danes get a medical degree when I was off taking a piss? Because, if appearing in The Mod Squad made her qualified to utter that statement, my experience running for student government means I can demand all of you call me Mayor McCheese from now on.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:34 PM
In an interview in Britain's Grazia Magazine, Uma Thurman says she is still "out there and available if anyone's interested. As one who adores the male species, I feel compassionately towards them. I've studied them carefully like a hunter watches its prey. I love all the guys out there."
Now, before you fellas get all hopped up on testosterone and give her a call, you need a quick primer on what it means when a Hollywood starlet says she is "available if anyone's interested." So I'll save you some time and excerpt "Cash's Guide To Dating Hot Chicks" Chapter 4 - 'Dating A Celebrity.'
When a celebrity says she is 'available' she is trying to make it sound like she is sitting around nights waiting for just any old guy. It pumps up the fan base by letting boys think they have a fighting chance. Sure, there are cases to back that up, like Renee Zellweger marrying some guy named Kenny Chesney and Christina Aguilera giving hope to ugly guys everywhere but those really are exceptions. It's sort of like if you meet a normal girl at a bar and she says "A guy's car isn't important to me." What than translates into, if you have purchased your handy Cash's Woman-To-Man Decoder Ring, is "A nice care won't help you get laid but a crappy car will certainly hurt."
On the upside, she's 6 feet tall and only weighs 128, so you can throw her around the kitchen like a goddamn pizza box and barely break a sweat. And she dresses like this on occasion:
The downside is that she married Ethan Hawke. So she has a thing for pretentious asses. Feel free to comment if you have a strategy to nail Uma Thurman. I know, I know, you're asking why I don't do it myself. I agree that when I talk about women on my blog, I am invincible. But luckily for Uma I am taken.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:41 AM
Nissan Makes Paint That Heals Scratches All By Itself
For $400 extra on its future cars, Nissan will provide you with its new Scratch Guard Coat that is not only more resistant to common wear but also heals itself in about a week.
Isn't this how "The Terminator" movie started? This gives me an excuse to start building one of those cool dune buggies with the M-60 turret on the back. I am going down swinging ... and looking really cool, because I do love to blow up some stuff.
If Nissan really wants to improve their cars, they should make one that automatically drives when an Asian woman is behind the wheel.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:32 PM
In the best idea I have heard of since Microsoft® BOB® and Smucker's® Goober®, convicted madame Heidi Fleiss has decided what Nevada needs is an all-male bordello. Now, I can understand why men might visit a brothel. I have seen some of my fellow scientists in action trying to land dates ... and it ain't pretty. Paying is always better when you're too incompetent to hold a decent conversation. And if there's one thing I know, it's that women expect conversation before they give it up. Or an Alaskan winter's worth of cocaine.
But, holy mackerel, why would women need a brothel? Women can go into pretty much any bar in America and announce "I have a vagina" and immediately be handed a line of willing men so long it can be seen from the space shuttle.
This is not to say it will be hard for Fleiss to find employees. Men, confused at the idea of getting paid for sex, have already flooded her with a 1,000 applications.
You're thinking this would be a great business for me to go into, right? I don't need the press. I am already the cause of more web-based female masturbation fantasies than Brad Pitt and George Cloony combined because of this blog.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:30 PM
Anna Nicole Smith Is So Annoying Even Charities Don't Want Her
Turns out Trimspa paid big money to have their celebrity endorser appear at Live 8 and generally cause havoc and chaos. Why would she draw a crowd? I have no idea. According to this article on The Smoking Gun Trimspa stiffed the charity out of its promised $320,000 for Anna's "integration" into the broadcast, along with some commercials.
To make matters worse, she showed up scantily clad and intoxicated. Apparently they expected demure and conservative out of a former stripper who married a gazillionaire, got all fat, and then lost all her weight again. So they are suing for a total of $500,000 because they never got paid and her demeanor didn't exactly speak to the plight of starving Africans. It could have been worse - they could have had her on when she was ingesting 6,000 calories a day and was as big as a house. Now that would have been ridiculous.
Anyway, would you put up with this crap from her? Absolutely, and so would I. I wouldn't give her the time of day when she looked like that crazy witch who tried to kill Ariel in The Little Mermaid but since she looks like this now, all is forgiven:
Yeah, you think I am going to make a joke about dancing infants, right? No, this will be a joke about Catholics. I'm kind of an old school Catholic - not self-flagellation or anything like that, though mutual flagellation might be hot in the right circumstances. And, except for those bits about no pre-marital sex, no sodomy, etc. I have led a pretty clean life. Heck, I don't even take Communion because I know I don't follow some of the stuff and I know a lot of hypocrites who take it anyway so I can at least maintain a smug superiority over them.
But Limbo always stuck in my craw just a little. Babies, of course, can't consciously make a choice to believe in God. And Catholicism requires a conscious choice. So if a baby dies, the wee one certainly doesn't go to Hell but can't go to Heaven either. Now, I have always sort of subscribed to the "No one needs to explain God to a child" proverb thinking. But if you start picking the teachings of the Pope a la' carte you are really, really not a Catholic. You might as well be Episcopalian.
Why get into this at all? Well, each of us is born with Original Sin, right? Everyone knows that. So even if you're innocent you're not really innocent because of that Adam and Eve fiasco. The modern solution is just to get your kids baptized right away. But that never explained away what happened to all those babies who happened to die before Jesus was born. So it's a bit of a pickle. Saint Augustine came up with this whole "Limbo" thing and, as far as I can tell, it was never made part of Dogma but somehow became accepted anyway. That's a lot of babies in the last 700 years.
The Catholic Church has decided to tackle this issue once and for all. Pope John Paul II put together a commmittee and asked them to come up with "a more coherent and enlightened way" of describing the fate of these babies. Since the committee was then headed by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, who is now Pope Benedict XVI, you can bet it hasn't gone away.
The Church has become rather famous for "splitting the difference" in the last 40 years, and trying to make everyone equally unhappy has done nothing but send church attendance plummeting. Take a stand. Keep Limbo or get rid of it but letting it linger out there is far too much like Limbo for anyone to be comfortable with it.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:24 PM
Enrique Iglesias Wants You To Know His Penis Is Not Small
If you're like me, your first thought was "Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?" Then I remembered, yeah, he's the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
No, wait, that isn't him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer ... or he's supposed to be some kind of singer himself. But that isn't what made him famous. Being on this blog made him famous. Why is he on this blog? For being the kind of attention-lusting famewhore who goes out of his way to tell the world he has a small penis and then has to talk about how he doesn't actually have a small penis.
I am betting he does. When a guy goes out of his way to tell you it's a hassle being unable to find extra-small condoms, he is sending a message. I am betting he didn't have to send the message to his girlfriend, named Anna Kournikova. I think she would be famous too, if she were either hot or a good tennis player. Instead, she is famous for dating famous people.
And isn't she Russian? I bet she doesn't need to be told he is extra small. My brother had sex with a Russian supermodel once and she made him stop so she could look at it. I am telling you, Russian men must be huge.
posted by Buckaroo at 12:22 PM