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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Tom Cruise Wants To Sue England

And not just for blood pudding. Though that would make sense. He wants to sue for South Park. Those scamps at the show have gotten under his skin by having a 'Tom Cruise' character hide in the closet while all of his close friends try to coax him out of the closet. Do you get it? Tom Cruise in the closet? Being coaxed out of the closet by Nicole Kidman and everyone else? Yeah. South Park is a real threat to him with that humor. But stations in the UK have apparently declined to show the episode because they are worried about getting a lawsuit.

Do not fear, British vassals of we stronger Americans. I have come to the rescue. Enjoy the Tom Cruise South Park episode here. And enjoy his new Katie Holmes talking action puppet here.

posted by Buckaroo at 6:53 AM |

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Maybe E ≠ MC^2?

This is serious stuff. If E ≠ MC^2 then maybe ME ≠ MC^2 either. And then I would have to change my license plate. And slow down. Sammy can't drive 55 and I can barely keep it under 90 - in traffic. Dr Joao Magueijo is trying to sell a book, and to sell books you have to be controversial. So here is me whoring his book Faster than the Speed of Light - The Story of a Scientific Speculation so he can make a buck.

But let's take the argument on its merits. Dr. Joao says that time isn't actually a constant and that it is slowing down. The good thing about time is, science-fiction movies aside, it isn't really a dimension so we can get a handle on it pretty easily by using math. Time is just a change in position of an object in the three dimensions. To give you the 10-second primer on why time travel is impossible, look at it like this. The earth is spinning at just over 1000 miles per hour - that's the estimate of a 25,000 mile circumferance planet turning once in 24 hours. On top of that the earth is revolving around the sun at 67,000 miles per hour. And the sun is revolving around ... well, you get the idea. To travel back in time would mean you have to travel back to a place that is moving at an incredible rate of speed and has been doing so constantly since the universe began.

Could I do the math to calculate where I would have to be? Sure. In my head. But that doesn't mean I can create a device to actually do it. Because reaching that speed is impossible for a whole list of other reasons.

But anyway, back to this speed-of-light-as-a-constant thing. We can't go back in time but we can see back in time, because we can measure the distance of a far-away object and examine what we are viewing. If you look up at the stars tonight you're mostly seeing them as they were when Jesus was born. It just took 2000 years to get to your eyes.

What does it take to look all the way back to the beginning of time? A honkin' big telescope. One bigger than my ego, if you can imagine that. They didn't name it the Honkin' Big Telescope, though that would have been cool. They called it The Very Large Telescope and it is at the Paranal Observatory in northern Chile.

So right now they are looking at the biggest brightest quasar they can see, as close to the beginning of 'time' as we can go. And the results will tell us if Dr. Joao is a crackpot.

The good news is, even if he's right, light isn't slowing down by much. You still have billions of years to read my blog. But the E=MC^2 is a problem. If light isn't a constant then neither is energy and mass. And that's a blog for another time.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:04 AM |

5 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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Paris Hilton Won't Strip For Playboy

When I first saw the headline and read that Paris Hilton was too 'proper' for Playboy I almost shot my coffee across my desk. And these Keurig pods cost me $.40 each so I am not usually wasting any of it. But there it is, in black and white, so it must be true. Like everything on this blog. She says Hugh Hefner has asked her 'a million times' to get naked for his magazine ( which sounds like a lot ) but that she'll never do it.

Does this not make sense to you? Is this girl famous for anything other than making sex videos with various boyfriends? Well, here in California she is also famous for going down on a Carl's hamburger in one of their commercials but all that did was make me an In-N-Out Burger fan.

So I Googled 'paris hilton nude' just for fun and within 0.26 seconds it came back with 38,000,000 hits. Now, I am usually all for skinny, naked women. Especially skinny naked women with IQs somewhere below that of a sock monkey. But even I have my limits and I respect you all too much to show any of those pictures here.

Yet even looking away quickly, before my eyes rebelled and tore themselves out of their sockets, I saw a girl who looks like a life-sized cartoon cricket. And a girl who’s naked all the damn time. So just to do a reality check I looked out my office window and there she was, naked in my parking lot, trying to distract me from writing that she looks like a friend of Pinocchio's. So why she claims she won't get naked for Hugh is beyond my comprehension.

posted by Buckaroo at 9:18 PM |

3 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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We're lucky to have Italians

Not just because of Monica Bellucci either, though that's a pretty good reason. We're lucky to have Italians because without them I wouldn't be able to spend two days creating a timpano every year, and it just wouldn't be Christmas. But even more important than that, since I brought up Jesus and food in the same paragraph, is that Italians gave birth to Italian courts and Italian courts have decided they will figured out, once and for all, whether Jesus really existed or not.

Monica Bellucci reaffirms our faith in a benevolent God

Take two schoolboys who were seminarians together and age them 60 years. One became a Priest and one quit seminary and became an atheist. They both can't shut up about it. Hilarity ensues. This could end up being a Dan Brown Novel. Only with a more realistic plot than feminine goddess conspiracy theories and Leonardo Da Vinci being so gay that only art historians can save the world. Or whatever that book was about.

However, they made sure I will see the movie version by getting Audrey Tautou to be in it. I swear it took me a whole bottle of AstroGlide just to get through Amelie. She was that good.

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Now, there are obviously more important things I should be writing about. I can never get enough of explosions on the moon or bandits on golf carts stealing pot roasts, but it's Friday and I never eat meat on Fridays, so pot roast blogs would be too much for me. And the only explosion I want to think about involves Audrey Tautou Jaime Pressly Jessica Alba (insert your name here) - get it right or you're sleeping alone - Lady Scientist.

So help me out here. If the Italian courts decide Jesus existed, what did he blog about?

posted by Buckaroo at 6:48 AM |

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Science Shows You How Not To Get Laid

So we're sitting at breakfast and basically just talking about random things and the waitress introduces herself by saying, "My name is China." I say to Lady Scientist, "Who names a kid China?" and then, "Do you think she's a wrestler?" and finally, "Isn't that 'Dancing With The Stars' thing on TV again?"

She is unfazed by all of this, since this is about the billionth time I metaphorically started a conversation about butterflies and ended up verbally designing a space shuttle that will take off from my garage roof.

"I recorded it. We can watch it," she replies. Now, this is nothing new. There are three Replay DVRs in my house with approximately 160 hours of space on each one of them and they are almost full - and that's just with Nip/Tuck episodes she doesn't have time to watch.

But I am not thinking about that. "Sure, I'll watch it. It has Stacy Kiebler on it this season."

"Who's that?"

"Well, she's a lady wrestler."

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"You know that? Is this someone you think about a lot?" because she knows I probably haven't watched more than 5 seconds of wrestling in my whole life. Or at least since Wrestlemania III, when Hulk Hogan body-slammed Andre The Giant in the greatest televised wrestling event of all time. But I digress.

"Well, not a lot. Maybe for 5 minutes late at night when I am out of town."

"Really? Well, you can think about her again tonight. In fact, I am going to print off her picture and hand it to you and say, 'Here you go'."

"Nein, nein, nein."

"Then you better watch your step, Copernicus."

You know what that means, right? Yeah, me too. Massages and bubble baths in order to get her back in the zone. Women have it easy because they only have to deal with men, which pretty much consists of just getting naked to turn us on.

So, to all of you budding scientists out there, you're welcome. Now you know what not to do.

posted by Buckaroo at 1:43 AM |

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Here's To Prosthetic Butts

Not that I read Cosmopolitan, but if I did, and it had an article about the ridiculous lengths women will go to in order to convince you they are hotter than they are, I would tell you about it. So I am. They even go so far as to boldly state that Jessica Simpson wore butt inserts to fill out her 'daisy dukes.' We have discussed it here before and determined she was the wrong person to be Daisy Duke anyway but let's revisit it again.

Look at the girl on the left and then look at Jessica Simpson on the right and you decide:

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And she's just some girl I met last weekend at a Bolivian porno shoot. I can't even remember her name so imagine if I was really trying to find a hot girl to wear a pair of shorts.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:03 AM |

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