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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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:: Richard Swift - As I Go
:: Snowglobe - Rainbow
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time




Scientists Bring Peace To The Mid-East



FADE IN:

INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA. DAYTIME. Cash pops an "Our Blend" Keurig pod into his coffee maker and prepares for another day of making the world safe for technology, one supermodel at a time. His desk has a Curta mechanical calculator and a Bruce Wayne action figure. NOT Batman. Bruce Wayne. The Science Phone rings.

CASH: Mushi mushi.

VOICE (WITH A MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT): Is this Cash?

CASH: Oops, wrong language. Sorry, I thought this was Japan calling. Iy-Aksamlar. Or salaam chetori. Don't make me guess. Who am I speaking with?

VOICE: This is Abu Hamza al-Muhajir. Maybe you have heard of me? I need help from science. Are you not a scientist?

CASH: I am told I am more like a game-show host. That Sigourney Weaver is such a card. What do you need help proving? Ghosts? UFOs? Evolution? I am willing to believe you.

VOICE: We have need of help eradicating a pest problem. We believe you science can aid our holy mission.

CASH: Abso-friggin-lutely. I think we science can solve most problems. But what do you mean by 'pest?' Are you talking about supermodels? I have a lot of experience with those. I have a special trap called a "nightclub" and bait, which we call "cocaine" and ...

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VOICE: NO, you infidel fool ... errrr, I mean ... no, I have a much better opportunity for you. The field of jihad can satisfy your scientific ambitions, and the large American bases are good places to test your unconventional weapons, whether biological or dirty, as they call them. And just for you, we make you a dhimmi. What do you think?

CASH: Well, I am all for violence - it's my only vice, really. But generally speaking, Americans tend to frown on scientists who help blow up Americans in foreign lands. And Captain America comes to me when he needs his patriotism pumped up a little so if I suddenly switch sides they'll think I was raised in Marin County or something. I couldn't put my mother through that.

VOICE: So what can you do?

CASH: Not much, I assume. Why are you calling the US for something like this?

VOICE: I appeal to every holy warrior in the land of Iraq to exert all efforts in this holy month so that God may enable us to capture some of the Western dogs to swap them with our sheik and get him out of his dark prison.

CASH: Dogs? You think dogs and people are the same thing? That's a new twist on Evolution. Shouldn't you be calling CNN or Reuters instead? They'll believe you. They believe anything.

VOICE: The blood has been spilled in Iraq of more than 4,000 foreigners who came to fight. CNN knows this.

CASH: You mean 4,000 terrorists have gone to Iraq and been whacked? No wonder CNN won't report it. That will get Republicans re-elected.

VOICE: I give up. *click*

FADE TO BLACK

So there you have it, folks. The terrorists gave up. Now you don't have to just thank science for LSD and Viagra, you can thank us for mid-east peace too. Next up; did Jiminy Cricket kill Paris Hilton and take over her life?

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posted by Buckaroo at 7:12 AM |

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Phi, The Ultimate Supermodel



"What is a supermodel?" People sometimes ask me. It has a few definitions and sometimes people argue over them, much the way Heidi Klum and Elle MacPherson fight over who is called "The Body." *

If you're reading this site, you know that a supermodel is an aspect of complexity science that incorporates multiple variables to try and spit out the best solution.

Ha Ha Ha.

Okay, supermodels can also be really hot chicks blessed with the combination of low self-esteem and jaw-droppingly loose morals that allow them to easily be tricked into deviant sex. Just this once we get to discuss both. And by both, I mean just the hot chicks.

So what makes a supermodel super? Like many important things in life, we can look back in time and see if history gives us an answer and saves us some effort. For centuries mathematicans have been intrigued by the "Golden Ratio" because it appears so often in geometry. Is a "golden ratio" something German eurotrash does because they are bored with their sex lives? No, it is a ratio that is the midpoint between asymmetry and symmetry. Defined it is when "the whole is to the larger as the larger is to the smaller".

In numerical terms, it is 1.618.

Leonardo Da Vinci, who wrote this blog somewhere around 1500 AD, was the first to use the term golden ratio but in later years American mathematician Mark Barr used the Greek letter Φ (phi) to represent it and that is common today.

Stairways, buildings, paper sizes and lots of other things use Φ in their designs because it is inherently pleasing to us. In music, the octave, fifth, and major and minor sixths are ratios of consecutive numbers of the Fibonacci sequence, making them the closest low integer ratios to the golden ratio. This is why when people ask me how I play music so well I always respond, "Because I am a scientist." Music is math people. For the definitive work on this concept go and buy ( do not rent ) Young Einstein. The soundtrack rules my face too.

So how does it relate to supermodels?

It turns out that the golden ratio in faces may decide what we like too. This study at the University of Regensburg examined the role of the golden ratio in our perception of beauty.

Is it conclusive? No, some people like a little irregularity. I like quirky noses, for example, but Lady Scientist has a perfectly shaped head and that is appealling also.

Here is a sample problem using the golden ratio. Be sure to tell me which of these mathematical constructs pleases you the most.

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*I don't read Time but Elle says they anointed her that in 1986. Heidi was the first time I ever heard it used about anyone, even if I never thought she was all that great. So given a choice I would go with Elle but, if she was called that first, it didn't stick, since even a guy running a site called Science And Supermodels didn't know she had it.

posted by Buckaroo at 8:40 AM |

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Super Science Whiz Bang Contest


(or skip below if you don't care)



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If you don't care about free stuff, skip to the next message to enjoy today's wholesome scientific and supermodel-ish goodness!

...


Okay, you are still reading. We only rank at about 200,000 on Alexa which means there just aren't enough people talking about us. So we're going to have a contest and basically bribe you into supporting us. We know we have lots of readers but we want to see the love and knock some of those boring science sites out of the top 50.

So here's the deal. Link to us, or to one of our posts, or make us one of your favorites on Technorati

Add to Technorati Favorites!


or some way that it shows up on Technorati, and you will be entered into our nifty contest. When we have 400 new sites linking to us, two people win. I will turn on the comments so you can let me know you have linked to us. Spread the word. The faster we get to 400, the sooner we give away good stuff.

First Prize: The slickest-looking speaker set out there. Edifier's E1100 2.1 channel speaker. Yes, it is that cool. And it will enhance your nerd cred tremendously.

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Second Prize: In plenty of time for Halloween, this nifty remote control helicopter. Dazzle and amaze children this Halloween as this 7-inch Remote Control copter zips and zings around their little heads while you shriek with delight.

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Sign us up, people! ( and thanks for reading )

posted by Buckaroo at 2:21 PM |

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Need To Learn Fractals? Get Cornrows!



There's some modern school of thought that says you have to be 'culturally relevant' to teach students, like students in New York City won't get it if you use a mathematical example that involves counting trees. So if you want your students to learn fractal geometry you have to use corn row hair braids to make your point. Take this, for example:

"Each braid is represented as multiple copies of a "Y" shaped plait. In each iteration, the plait is copied, and a transformation is applied. The series of transformed copies creates the braid."

Now, honestly, does any kid who can understand that sentence need to be talked down to and given culturally relevant examples about corn rows? I bet not.

But, hey, I don't mind occasionally taking the easy road so I have already ordered my motorized ice cream cone. Yes, I am that lazy. Months ago I even outsourced my video gaming to Asia. And pretty much my whole life.

But not the sex part of it - well, not completely. To get excited, I just watch this Japanese woman breast feed her cat. But don't tell the little woman. It can be our dirty secret.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:07 AM |

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Science Shows You How To Predict Celebrity Marriages



John Tierney of the Times writes:

I went to Garth Sundem, the wickedly ingenious author of Geek Logik, a new book of mathematical formulas for deciding questions like whether you should sleep with a co-worker, whether you should join a gym or see a therapist, and whether you can wear a Speedo without frightening small children.

I asked Sundem to set his sights even higher. The result of our labors (well, mostly his labors, but I want a piece of this scientific breakthrough) is the Sundem/Tierney Unified Celebrity Theory, an equation for predicting the odds that a celebrity marriage will last.

By comparing the many failed marriages with the few successes (like Johnny Cash and June Carter, or Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward), Sundem identified telltale factors likes celebrities’ ages, marital track records and levels of fame.

Younger couples have worse prospects than older couples do, particularly if they rush to the altar before getting to know each other. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have only a 1 percent chance of making it to their fifth anniversary, according to our equation, and the most famously impetuous young couple of all, Romeo and Juliet, would have had zero chance of lasting five years.

Fame, as measured by Google hits, is no good for a marriage. The odds get even worse when the woman’s Google hits outnumber the man’s, as when Jennifer Lopez fell for a waiter named Ojani Noa. Our equation gave their marriage less than 1 percent chance of surviving five years; it actually lasted 13 months.

A crucial predictor is the sex-symbol factor, determined by looking at the woman’s first five Google hits and counting how many show her in sexy attire (or no attire). The skimpier the outfits, the skimpier the marriage, as illustrated in the short unions of Jessica Simpson (three years to Nick) and Marilyn Monroe (274 days to Joe DiMaggio).

You can read the rest at the NY Times but that section requires a subscription. So I did what I could.

The formula is here. Click on it to see it full-size and get an explanation:

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The results are here. Click on it also:




posted by Buckaroo at 6:34 AM |

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The Other Supermodels



Sexy? Ummm, yeah, a little. But only to scientists.

Nah, not sexy at all. This article is by UK writer Henry Nicholls on mathematical modelling of infectious diseases. This technique allows 'virtual epidemics' to be run, testing the effects of different assumptions or possible interventions.

Obviously this is important to the British, since their farmers have made careers out of feeding cow brains to their bovine friends, thus driving the big buggers insane and making Brits the butt of jokes even in places like Canada - where they really have no reason to be making fun of other people.

Enjoy the rest of the article on how science is making the world safe from idiot farmers here.

posted by Buckaroo at 11:27 PM |

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Everything I Need To Know About Business I Learned From Watching Weird Science



Sometimes it's believed that business, or science ( or the business of science), takes a lot of education. I am here to tell you, my friends, the only education you need can be found in one easy location, it only takes 94 minutes of your time, and I am giving this secret to you for free: it's the Weird Science DVD.

Sure, on the exterior it may look like just another 1980s John Hughes rite-of-passage comedy, but that's the beauty of a parable. It makes you think one thing while it head-fakes you with important business lessons.

Whenever I walk into a company I immediately look around and try to figure out which member of the cast each person is. I know, I know, and before I get emails telling me not to pigeon-hole people, I will go ahead and state,"we're individuals ... and unique ... all 12 billion of us," though I don't believe a word of it.

What we are is an archetype with some subtle variations. Pepperoni pizza is different than canadian bacon pizza but it's still pizza with meat thrown on it. Knowing this, and the sage wisdom John Hughes delivers in this movie, will take you pretty far in the corporate world.

First things first when you walk in to run your company, just like watching a movie, is to figure out the cast. So here they are:

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There may be slight variations on these personalities, but not by much. I left out Hilly, for example, but she's really just Deb, only as a brunette and therefore extraneous. Not because we don't need more Debs, but because we need fewer brunettes.

Let's talk about Lisa first, even though she isn't the star of your company. Lisa is your product. You want her to be sexy, you want her to do what you want, and you want people to be impressed by what she offers. The problem with Lisa is, once she is out of your hands, weird stuff can happen. Make sure you know Lisa inside and out.

Gary is your ambitious type. He's not the smartest, he's not the best in anything, really, but he is the one most likely to get weird stuff done when you need it done. Gary is a facilitator. 90% of the people who read this will think they are Gary. What 50% of the people who think they are Gary really are is ...

Wyatt, and that's not an insult. Wyatt is a mile deep and a yard wide in his abilities. The world does not run without Wyatt. Without Wyatt at the keyboard there is no Weird Science but Wyatt is motivated by something most people don't understand; Wyatt wants to create Lisa, not date her. And he'll never be happy with her. Get to know Wyatt and reward him accordingly. Note: Wyatt doesn't have to be a boy. You can see in this picture he could go either way.

Chet likes to make Gary and Wyatt miserable. He serves you best outside the office. Lisa doesn't give a crap about him while Gary and Wyatt pretend to hate him but they secretly want to be more like him. He's probably your sales guy. Unfortunately for Gary and Wyatt, they cannot turn him into Jabba The Hutt, like in the movie.

Deb is what motivates your Gary's and Wyatt's once they realize there is no perfect Lisa. She ( or he - remember, archetypes) is settling for what they have right now even if they are quietly disaffected with it. The Debs of your company tend to achieve to the level of the people around them. Deb is the backbone of your company because she is the catalyst for the weirdness that Lisa will bring. Without a Deb, no one is happy. She's probably from Texas.

Ian and Max I don't even bother to separate because they're foils for Gary and Wyatt. They're always together and they probably drink a lot of the free coffee and talk about you behind your back. Debs were probably hanging out too much with these guys, which is why they had to bring you in to run the company.

The Lord General thinks he should have your job. He is a little reckless, even to a point of risking getting whacked to try and create a culture of destruction that probably helped cause the failure of the guy you replaced. More businesses are ruined by this guy than competitors. So he has no value, right? Not so. It is unlikely you will get him on your side but when you get the rest of the cast on your side his presence will make the Gary's and Wyatt's go from role-players to stars. Conflict isn't always bad; remember that saying about how 30 years of Borgia poisoning, murder and deceit gave us the Renaissance while 500 years of Swiss peace only gave us the cuckoo clock.

The mutant biker is the example that will motivate everyone else because you're going to take him down quickly. First because he's an anarchist who is used by the Lord General and second because you can replace him within minutes. It's never a bad thing to whack someone right away. It often helps, in movies, science and in business, if you come across as someone who will pull the trigger on the bad guys.

There you go. Now get thee to Amazon, buy this movie and use my handy key guide to put the pieces together and run your own company. That John Hughes sure knew his stuff in this film, didn't he? Just try getting business lessons out of Ferris Bueller.

And until you run your own company, the next time you see weird stuff happening at the place you are, ask yourself which cast member you are being.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:53 AM |

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Some Scientific Equations Can't Be Solved, Like This One: W*0^M = N



And Π (Pi) or Maxwell's Equations. Everyone knows Π already, it's the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle (22/7) and goes on forever. Then there's Maxwell's Equations; Maxwell grasped the connection between magnetism and electricity and how they create each other. But, like Π, they can never be solved. If you spend more and more time trying to solve either of those you can only come closer to the answer. You can never actually reach it.

So what happens when you put Π and Maxwell's Equations together? You guessed it; you get women.

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If you get in an argument, she will use Π against you. For example, "Oh yeah? Well, you slept with my sister" is the relationship equivalent of Π. Of course I slept with your sister. Scientists don't get personal assistants, so who else are we going to sleep with?

I slept with her mother too but dredging up the past doesn't help her with the current argument, does it?

Likewise, our constant attraction to women despite the Π issue falls under Maxwell's Equations, namely Faraday's Law of Induction. Faraday's Law goes like this; when there are multiple available men and a woman which has no man, the men will be induced toward the woman until equilibrium is reached.

Really, that's everything you need to know to win any bar-room discussion on the physics of electromagnetism, don't you think? It won't help much with women, though. Faraday's Law doesn't have much wiggle room to it. I guess that's why it's a Law.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:51 AM |

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Science Proves Women Are In League With Lucifer




Science can't prove everything. We can't prove Evolution, for example, and we can't prove that light is a wave and not a particle or that light is a particle and not a wave or ... well, we can't prove most anything about light.

But science can prove some things.

We have proven that all women are hotter as blondes.

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And while we can't prove that Evolution is the source of life, we certainly proved that women are evolving in ways to insure their future supremacy.

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Armed with all of these advantages, you wouldn't think women need anything else, right? Well, that isn't stopping them. It seems some women have joined with Lucifer to gain even more power.

Harold Iggleton, a leading expert in the occult and author of the definitive work Satan's Supermodels: The Untold Story of Devil-Worship in the Fashion Industry makes the case that these women may be the advance guard for a worldwide takeover using the supernatural.

"The Evil One used his dark powers to remake these 'nobodies' from top to bottom -- taking away their flabby guts, sagging behinds and oversized schnozzes, while endowing them with high cheekbones, long, shapely legs and tight, toned buns," said Iggleton.

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We can't just let Satan take over the whole world, so we asked Iggleton how we would know exactly which women were armed with the might of Hades itself and he gave us these helpful hints:

1. If she has a romantic relationship with a rock musician. "It's long been established that rock is the Devil's music," stated Iggleton. Scientists are okay, though. "You only have sex like rock stars," he said. Indeed.

2. If she bears the "Devil's Mark," what scientists call a "tramp stamp", usually on her lower back just above the buttocks. Scientists were disappointed to find out this was a problem, since virtually every girl we have ever known has had one.

3. If she is caught engaged in immoral conduct such as raunchy same-sex dancing. There goes my New Years party. How do I get a refund on all this cocaine?

4. If she is never seen in public holding a Bible. I am not even seen in Church holding a Bible.

5. If she causes happily married men to have immoral urges. "If a man comes out of the bathroom red-faced and clutching the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, you can be sure one of Satan's minions is having an effect on him," Iggleton pointed out.

What about coming out of a bathroom clutching an actual Sports Illustrated swimsuit model? Because I did that three times this year and I have never been sucked into the Pits of Hell.

Anyway, there seems to be something to this 'Satan helping supermodels' thing. Nothing else can explain why Heidi Klum still gets work.

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posted by Buckaroo at 7:04 AM |

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To everyone who's lurked, subscribed, newsfed or passed us on to someone else, many thanks. It's terrific to know that people are interested in science and ... well ... supermodels. And humor.

Okay, this little site isn't beating boingboing just yet but it's nice to be appreciated.

Please spread the word and encourage people to stop in. If I break 100,000 on Alexa I will have a contest for a cool gadget. Oh, and offer suggestions for what gadgets I should give away. And say hello. And bookmark me.

BONUS!


I just noticed these bits of scientific goodness:

Sclerotic Rings - "I just discovered the blog Science and Supermodels...boy, talk about being able to kill with snark at 200 paces..."

and tangsm - "So great. Bookmarking..."

and finally Ophelia is dead - "I'm so in love with that blog, even with just a cursory glance."

Zowie! Someone is going to get their hair pulled by Lady Scientist for that last one. I sure hope it is me.

Thanks to Paul for posting the link.

posted by Buckaroo at 4:18 PM |

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Your Jedi Mind-Trick Moment For September





Michael Witig and his wife were out barbecuing when they saw something streaking through the sky. They turned on their camera and filmed it as fire and smoke billowed behind the mystery object.

Not to worry, said the FAA. It was a just a jet that was leaving a contrail behind it and the sun was at just the right angle to reflect off the jet and create the illusion of smoke and fire.

Of course it was. You can do this experiment in your house.

Step 1. Put some bacon in a pan pointing north and light the stove.
Step 2. With the sun at your back, stand at precisely 42 degrees to the left of the north-pointing bacon.
Step 3. Clap your hands and shriek with delight as the bacon appears to be an aircraft erupting in a trail of fire and smoke.

Then, of course, a hooded figure will appear, wave his hands and say, "These aren't the pieces of bacon you're looking for" and you will forget the whole thing. But it sure beats having those Men In Black guys show up and waving a pen light in your face.


posted by Buckaroo at 8:57 AM |

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The Top 10 Mysteries Of Science



10. Benjamin Underwood can't see for squat but he gets around by making clicking noises and using echolocation to visualize the obstacles his radar sends back. Unless he was hit by a truck full of radioactive material and now wears red tights and carries a billy club, science has no explanation for this:

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Want to impress me, Ben? Read this blog.

9. Telephone telepathy. How is it that sometimes you are thinking about someone and they call? Egads, can that be possible? Of course it can ... it's like wondering how it is possible that men think about sex and sometimes they get sex. If you are thinking about people all of the time but only know 50, chances are one of them will call when you happen to be thinking about them.

Want to impress me, audio guys? Explain how Lady Scientist magically knows an ex-girlfriend called "just to say hello."

8. Reading makes Justin Timberlake dizzy. Clearly he has a vision problem and is an illiterate sock monkey. He is surrounded by handlers who couldn't diagnose that for him?

Want to impress me, music industry? Explain how women who see Justin Timberlake get so dizzy their underwear falls off.

7. TV critics are dumb. Here are some quotes from critics when Star Trek debuted in 1966.

"[T]oo clumsily conceived and poorly developed to rate as an A-1 effort."--Boston Globe

"One may need something of a pointed head to get involved."--New York Post.

"Disappointingly bizarre hour...things better improve or this won't be a lengthy mission."--Houston Chronicle.

Want to impress me, TV critics? Explain how anyone ever thought this chick was hot:

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Continued Here ...



posted by Buckaroo at 7:53 AM |

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The Top 10 Mysteries of Science Part II



6. Some people can't accept that humans are smarter than animals. This panda accidentally crushed one of the twins she birthed. Which isn't all that smart, since she didn't even implicate the butler.

Want to impress me, zookeepers? Teach pandas to imprison siblings they don't like behind an iron mask, like humans do.

5. There's some confusion about Evolution. Americans are skeptics by nature. A study shows America is just above Turkey in percentage of people who don't believe we magically evolved from bacteria. Evolution theorists don't do themselves any favors by trying to convince people biology doesn't require proof - which sounds a lot like religion to non-biologists - and changing their definitions to match the evidence they have.

Want to impress me, biologists? Convince me Angelina Jolie evolved her nose.

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I think her nose is made of plastic and some kind of cement-like goop. Knowing what it is made of does not invalidate the existence of her plastic surgeon, if you catch my drift.

4. We have spent billions of dollars on The War On Fun ... errr, I mean The War On Drugs ... yet baby boomers are still getting stoned all of the time. Why are baby boomers, the people now in charge of government, such hypocrites?

I don't even take aspirin but do you want to impress me, sociologists? Convince me that if I get random brain cancer I shouldn't spend my final months awash in an ocean of 8-balls and hookers.

Continued Here ...



posted by Buckaroo at 7:33 AM |

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The Top 10 Mysteries Of Science Part III



3. This study says men are smarter than women. This study says tall people are smarter than short people. This article says a woman is mentally playing tennis, even in a coma. So I should be able to build a space shuttle in an hour if you give me the schematic because I am tall, male and not in a coma.

Here's how you can impress me, sociologists. Given all those studies can you explain to me why it is I can't win an argument with Lady Scientist and still get sex?

2. James Lipton is still employed. Worse, he has Teri Hatcher on the season premiere of Inside The Actor's Studio. You know he has truly scraped the bottom of the barrel when he has to fawn over Teri Hatcher and issue forth sentences like, "And tell us how you came to do the immortal work, Brain Smasher ... A Love Story."

Want to impress me, archaelogists? Tell me why her gaze doesn't turn everyone to stone, because she is clearly wearing the Head Of Medusa on her neck:

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And The Number One Mystery Of Science For September is ...


1. Christina Aguilera and whoever this guy is she is with.


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I can appreciate that Christina Aguilera gave hope to ugly guys everywhere by marrying him but something about this is just wrong. I have five medical degrees and I can't figure out what is going on with his teeth.

The only answer? Well, there are two, and it proves both creationists and evolutionists wrong:

A) This guy is a neanderthal, so evolution doesn't exist, and

B) The fact that Christina Aguilera married him proves there is no God.


posted by Buckaroo at 6:45 AM |

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Science Makes An Argument For Concubines



Okay, before all you crazy feminists get upset and menstruate all over your computer screens because of that headline, hear me out.

Well, get in the kitchen and bake me a pie. Then hear me out.

Mistresses are getting popular in China. Some Commie bigwigs spend their days bilking the proletariat and then their nights canoodling with as many as seven mistresses who all live in lavish apartments.

Okay, I agree anything in excess is bad. And seven mistresses would be a lot even for me. And I have two penises. But let's get back to the core argument, that being the mistress of modern times or the plain old concubine of yore. Why did it ever fall out of fashion? What are the pros and cons?

My brother, who is the Font of All Important Knowledge, doesn't keep a concubine. He doesn't need to because he doesn't have a wife. He is so Zen he goes one step beyond that. He keeps his women in line by inventing a wife. That's right, if a girl goes nonlinear and he needs to make a clean exit, he will "drop the wife bomb."

When I heard about this fascinating strategic level assault on any relationship he needed to vacate I said, as you would, "But you don't have a wife."

"You don't need a wife," he replied. "You just need the perception of a wife."

So obviously he is the guy to consult about concubines. The first thing he told me was that his important "wife bomb" strategy did not work well in reverse. "It is not a good idea to 'drop the concubine bomb' on an actual wife during an argument," he told me. Which seemed to make sense. A good laugh isn't worth 50% of your assets.

But we got into the heart of concubine concept in general and he had the following sage wisdom:

1) Most wives are bothered by sex anyway. Wives tend to operate on a higher intellectual plane than husbands so they should be absolved of responsibilities like sex. Plus they get big asses after a few kids and are self-conscious about it so they probably don't want to be naked in front of men.

2) Most wives have full lives. They don't want to be bothered with things like parties and dinners. They've heard all of their husbands' stories already plus they would likely be uncomfortable around all the smaller-bottomed, young concubines escorting the other men in attendance.

3) It's good for the economy, especially in China. Government officials in China don't make much money. Mistresses are quite expensive. So in order to afford a mistress a government official has to embezzle money. All that money lost to fraud and embezzlement has to be replaced, which leads to greater productivity. That's good for business.

4) It's good for the world. No one but ignorant savages in third world countries and college professors who have never had real jobs think Communism can ever work for long. All that fraud leads to dissension, mistrust and the eventual collapse of Communism. Yayyyy Capitalism. Reagan went to the Brandenburg Gate in Germany and drove a stake into the evil heart of Soviet communism with his "tear down this wall" speech. As much as I would chuckle at Bush 43 standing on The Great Wall of China and hearing him say "Tear down this wall", I don't think it's very practical. Since that wall is 3000 miles long.

It isn't all balloons and ponies for the "golden canary" industry, even in China. Some provinces have started requiring men to register their mistresses. That sort of takes away the thrill and forbidden mystery of having one. And some wives in China aren't seeing the wisdom as laid out by my brother and have started fighting back, clearly deviating from the cultural norms that one would expect from submissive Chinese women.

I blame the fact that they can get MTV on satellite.

If it's no problem with any of you, I'd like for my concubine to be Zhang Ziyi:

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posted by Buckaroo at 7:41 AM |

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Remastered "Star Trek" - Set Phasers For Fun



I know The Next Generation had its day in the sun but anyone - and I will brook no argument on this matter - who contends that the original is not the greatest sci-fi series of all time instantly loses their nerd cred around here.

So if you are a TNG nerd - no, wait, if you can name more than three characters on any one of the later spin-offs - here is your chance for redemption. Episodes of the original Star Trek are being digitally remastered and will be heading into syndication again in honor of its 40th anniversary.

Since you're all scientists you know that "digital remastering" means pretty much anything you want it to mean, like "smurf" does to smurfs or "celibate" does to Paris Hilton. The folks doing the work want to assure you there won't be wholesale bastardization, like that guy G--rge L-c-s ( name omitted so he doesn't appear in a column of brimstone and fire and suck my soul straight to Hell ) did with Star Wars.

"We're taking great pains to respect the integrity and style of the original," Michael Okuda, a scenic-art supervisor on the Star Trek films and spinoffs for the past 18 years, told TVGuide.com. "Our goal is to always ask ourselves: What would [creator Gene] Roddenberry have done with today's technology?"

Blah, blah, blah. I want to see a big pleather Captain's chair and an Enterprise that looks like a Frisbee with a couple of batteries attached to it.

And they'll now be in High-Definition. Whatever that means. Like digital remastering, unless you have digital masters you're putting pearls on a pig so High Definition here will mean what CD versions of old music meant - the defects just become a lot more noticeable.

However, you'll finally get a chance to see your favorite sci-fi heroine in HD:

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Oops, wrong show. I mean:

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No, wait:

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Okay, the girls in the original Star Trek weren't all that hot. So if they're going to digitally enhance something in the show, they can start here:

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Science fiction sure has come a long way since then - but if you want to see Star Trek girls who will not get your transporter to beam, look here.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:53 AM |

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Why Scientists Get Twice As Much Sex As You



This study says that TV in the bedroom cuts the sex life in half. Now, this is an Italian study so maybe that skews the results. Italian men only want to have sex with someone else's wife. And Italian women? Don't get me started. If I had to have sex with Italian women, my sex life would be cut in half too. Unless it is Monica Bellucci. And then it would be something like 8X.

But it seems to make sense. No TV equals fewer distractions and more boredom - scientists inherently understand this important correlation. So hidden cameras, yes. TVs, no.


posted by Buckaroo at 7:11 AM |

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