"I'm taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers … I got lucky because my chest size isn't completely massive."
Yeah, that's right, she is hotter than her sister because she looks like a chicken and has small tits. They're both sub-literate sock monkeys but what makes America great is that while other countries ( e.g. Belgium ) are still chucking spears and ingesting goat blood, we get to debate which one of them is hotter while we stare at this picture of Jessica firing a gun big enough to shoot down a jumbo jet:
Argument 2. Schools Are Better Today.
Sure, SAT scores have dropped so much they have to recalibrate them every 10 years to make it look like kids aren't dumb, but that's book knowledge. When it comes to practical, common-sense street smarts young people today are much smarter than I ever was. Or my parents. Why do I say that? Because kids today have sex like hopped-up bunnies.
What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can't wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.
Argument 4. My Penis Is Larger Than The One Enrique Iglesias Is Sporting.
If you're like me, your first thought was "Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?" Then I remembered, yeah, he's the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
No, wait, that isn't him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer ... or he's supposed to be some kind of singer himself. Anyway, when he lets slip to the world that he has trouble finding extra small condoms and then has to talk about how he doesn't actually have a small penis, you know he has a small penis.
Long-time readers know that I, on the other hand, had to switch from Magnum to Magnum XL condoms at 15. And I was pissed because I still had seven of the regular ones left.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:31 AM
Scientists Discover Tom Cruise Has A Better Life Than Us
Tom Cruise is proud to tell you he has a spectacular sex life - don't get me wrong, my sex life is spectacular too, because Lady Scientist has that whole madonna-whore dichotomy down to an art form - but he has my spectacular sex life, is adored by millions and has enough money to buy Lenin's brain.
Girl With Mannish Shoulders Pretends She Hates Attention
In fact, supposedly Evangeline Lilly wished she was ugly. She says, "I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wishing I was ugly because of the way men leered and disrespected me..." and then, "You feel like they're paying to stare at your ass when you're walking away from the table." Then she had this picture taken by a professional photographer:
Yeah, she makes no sense to me either. I think I can speak for all of us in promising we have no desire to stare at Evangeline Lilly's butt.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:25 AM
As if she needed any more assurance after making Chris Martin the boy's father. Obviously as soon as it's discovered that the dad in that family is the guy from Coldplay you can bet helpful bigger kids will rob the young lad of his dignity and his pants.
But that's the future. How did she insure he will get beat up right now? She named him Moses! That's right, an old school Biblical name, and just in time for Easter. What did Moses have to do with Easter, you ask? Not a damn thing. But I am betting Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't know that.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:24 AM
So I gave up on the idea of keeping it simple. Thus, here it is, an easy to follow guide to understanding women. It's like a taxonomy key. If you don't know what that is, you deserve bad relationships:
Does she drink Shiner Bock? If the answer is YES, it means she is from Texas and can shuck a crawdad for you in under 3 seconds. Ask her on a date because Texas women can endure anything. If the answer is NO, go to IS SHE A REPUBLICAN?
Did you meet her in a Farmer's Market? If the answer is yes, you are in LA. So she doesn't find it odd if you spend more on waxes than her and have better shoes. If the answer is NO, what are you doing at a Farmer's Market? And go to CAN SHE BAKE A PIE?
Does she have a great butt? If the answer is YES she is from Bulgaria, home of the hottest non-blonde women per capita on planet Earth. If the answer is NO, why are you talking to her? Have you ever been comforted when a friend setting you up with a girl issues forth the statement, "She has really pretty eyes"? No, I didn't think so. And go to DOES SHE LISTEN TO DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS?
Does she know what a Superdawg is? If the answer is YES, you are in Chicago. There will always be cheap beer at her place. She also won't mind if you pull out your thing in the cab ride back from dinner. If the answer is NO, fly to Chicago.
Is she a Republican? If the answer is YES, she won't cry about the woman she is devastating by sleeping with you. If the answer is NO, get thee to a Red state and find one. And tell Ann Coulter I said hello. I kinda miss her.
Does she listen to Drive-By Truckers? If the answer is YES, she is so dirty you don't have to ask how many piercings she has as an indicator of where she will let you put it. If the answer is NO, a lack of a great ass and no freaky business means you are destined to watch Cinemax on Fridays for the foreseeable future.
Can she bake a pie? If the answer is YES, she is from Colorado. Marry the girl, because pie crusts are a b&%ch. If the answer is NO, two cups of flour, some salt, a cup of butter, a little bit of water, mix it all up, roll it out and then put it in a pie tin because only Colorado women will put up with your crap and you're destined to die alone.
I hope this has helped you in your quest for the perfect woman but on further reflection, generally speaking, you're better off leaving the difficult relationship cases for actual scientists. We're like Air Traffic Control for crazy women - we don't care which airline they are, we just want to make sure we all land safely.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:16 AM