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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
What Cool Scientists Are Listening To - Click Links Below
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:: The Ark - One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young
:: The Donnas - Roll On Down The Highway
:: Billy Joe Shaver - Georgia On A Fast Train
:: Phish - Gin And Juice
:: The Whigs - Technology
:: Marit Larsen - Only A Fool
:: Euphoria - Back Against The Wall
:: Richard Swift - As I Go
:: Snowglobe - Rainbow
Get all the Cash you can stand.
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time




Scientific Arguments - Discuss




Argument 1: Ashlee Simpson is hotter than Jessica.

Yes, you read those mind-altering words here. Want to know why? Because Ashlee says so:

"I'm taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers … I got lucky because my chest size isn't completely massive."

Yeah, that's right, she is hotter than her sister because she looks like a chicken and has small tits. They're both sub-literate sock monkeys but what makes America great is that while other countries ( e.g. Belgium ) are still chucking spears and ingesting goat blood, we get to debate which one of them is hotter while we stare at this picture of Jessica firing a gun big enough to shoot down a jumbo jet:

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Argument 2. Schools Are Better Today.

Sure, SAT scores have dropped so much they have to recalibrate them every 10 years to make it look like kids aren't dumb, but that's book knowledge. When it comes to practical, common-sense street smarts young people today are much smarter than I ever was. Or my parents. Why do I say that? Because kids today have sex like hopped-up bunnies.

As evidence we have stories about students getting into trouble for oral sex in the classroom and entrepreneurial college guys who didn't want to go find a stripper so they got some girl down the hall to do it.

What does it tell you? Young people have figured out how to get laid. I can't wait to see these guys running companies. The corporate world is absolutely nothing compared to the difficulty of trying to get laid as a teenager.

Argument 3. Paris Hilton is a friggin' genius.

I'm inclined to think a skinny, dumb girl who looks like a cartoon cricket and has to issue press releases to deny that she pisses all over herself in cabs isn't all that smart, but then I saw that she bought this $400,000 car and I am inclined to shake my head and think she must be pretty brilliant after all:

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Argument 4. My Penis Is Larger Than The One Enrique Iglesias Is Sporting.

If you're like me, your first thought was "Who the hell is Enrique Iglesias?" Then I remembered, yeah, he's the guy married to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

No, wait, that isn't him at all. This guy is apparently related to a famous singer ... or he's supposed to be some kind of singer himself. Anyway, when he lets slip to the world that he has trouble finding extra small condoms and then has to talk about how he doesn't actually have a small penis, you know he has a small penis.

Long-time readers know that I, on the other hand, had to switch from Magnum to Magnum XL condoms at 15. And I was pissed because I still had seven of the regular ones left.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:31 AM |

5 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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Austrians Get Laid More Than You Do



That's right, I said Austrians. I also said more than you, not me. Anyone who reads my blog knows that the line of women waiting to offer me their vaginas is so long it can be seen from the moon.*

This study says it's because men care about women there, blah, blah, blah. I think it's because the cities are named things like F**KING. Look for yourself.

Country at the bottom of the list in the survey? Japan. Not that this will surprise you. No one can have sex because of all the damn earthquakes that cock block you when you are there.



*Number of times I have used that line on this blog; 34. Number of times Sweety has laughed and/or approved of me using that line: 0.

posted by Buckaroo at 6:29 AM |

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Scientists Discover Tom Cruise Has A Better Life Than Us



Tom Cruise is proud to tell you he has a spectacular sex life - don't get me wrong, my sex life is spectacular too, because Lady Scientist has that whole madonna-whore dichotomy down to an art form - but he has my spectacular sex life, is adored by millions and has enough money to buy Lenin's brain.

So what could make him happier than that? Eating his newborn baby's placenta is the idea he came up with.

Maybe it's part of that Adkin's Diet thing.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:28 AM |

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A Pacifier For Katie



Tom Cruise apparently had one made for the mother of his child to help her keep quiet during her Scientology-induced labor. Because making her chew on her dignity was apparently not going to be enough.

And does anyone else wish they had thought of this t-shirt first?

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posted by Buckaroo at 7:27 AM |

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Girl With Mannish Shoulders Pretends She Hates Attention



In fact, supposedly Evangeline Lilly wished she was ugly. She says, "I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wishing I was ugly because of the way men leered and disrespected me..." and then, "You feel like they're paying to stare at your ass when you're walking away from the table." Then she had this picture taken by a professional photographer:



Yeah, she makes no sense to me either. I think I can speak for all of us in promising we have no desire to stare at Evangeline Lilly's butt.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:25 AM |

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Britney Spears' Baby Tries To Throw Himself To Doom After Discovering Kevin Federline Is His Father



You would too. Turns out the little tyke was watching "EXTRA" on TV and making fun of Federline when he noticed something odd - the clown kept showing up on TV following his mother everywhere. Then he looked around the kitchen and noticed the same guy was always there, smelling of marijuana and wearing cornrows and it dawned on him. Once the impact hit home, witnesses say, the little tyke tried to off himself rather than grow up having to wear baggy pants and make bad rap albums.

As a precaution, child protective services was called in to investigate but little K-Fed was unable to implicate his dad in the crime.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:25 AM |

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Gwyneth Paltrow Insures Her Kid Will Get Beat Up



As if she needed any more assurance after making Chris Martin the boy's father. Obviously as soon as it's discovered that the dad in that family is the guy from Coldplay you can bet helpful bigger kids will rob the young lad of his dignity and his pants.

But that's the future. How did she insure he will get beat up right now? She named him Moses! That's right, an old school Biblical name, and just in time for Easter. What did Moses have to do with Easter, you ask? Not a damn thing. But I am betting Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't know that.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:24 AM |

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Relatonship Advice



It may surprise you to learn this, because you are used to me being a science guru and, on occasion, a Formula One race car driver who solves mysteries on TV, but I am also an expert on relationships.

Not my own, of course. My past relationships have gone somewhere between train wreck and horror movie - without the actual sweet release of death. No, I mean I am an expert on your relationships.

I know women can be confusing at times. Not full-on confusion, like how Nicole Kidman can get married in the Catholic Church after being married to a Scientologist for 11 years. But instead that mild sort of confusion that makes me doubt I can get a whole post of relationship advice without getting bogged down ( blogged down?) in a mess of tables and diagrams.

So I gave up on the idea of keeping it simple. Thus, here it is, an easy to follow guide to understanding women. It's like a taxonomy key. If you don't know what that is, you deserve bad relationships:

Does she drink Shiner Bock? If the answer is YES, it means she is from Texas and can shuck a crawdad for you in under 3 seconds. Ask her on a date because Texas women can endure anything. If the answer is NO, go to IS SHE A REPUBLICAN?

Did you meet her in a Farmer's Market? If the answer is yes, you are in LA. So she doesn't find it odd if you spend more on waxes than her and have better shoes. If the answer is NO, what are you doing at a Farmer's Market? And go to CAN SHE BAKE A PIE?

Does she have a great butt? If the answer is YES she is from Bulgaria, home of the hottest non-blonde women per capita on planet Earth. If the answer is NO, why are you talking to her? Have you ever been comforted when a friend setting you up with a girl issues forth the statement, "She has really pretty eyes"? No, I didn't think so. And go to DOES SHE LISTEN TO DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS?

Does she know what a Superdawg is? If the answer is YES, you are in Chicago. There will always be cheap beer at her place. She also won't mind if you pull out your thing in the cab ride back from dinner. If the answer is NO, fly to Chicago.

Is she a Republican? If the answer is YES, she won't cry about the woman she is devastating by sleeping with you. If the answer is NO, get thee to a Red state and find one. And tell Ann Coulter I said hello. I kinda miss her.

Does she listen to Drive-By Truckers? If the answer is YES, she is so dirty you don't have to ask how many piercings she has as an indicator of where she will let you put it. If the answer is NO, a lack of a great ass and no freaky business means you are destined to watch Cinemax on Fridays for the foreseeable future.

Can she bake a pie? If the answer is YES, she is from Colorado. Marry the girl, because pie crusts are a b&%ch. If the answer is NO, two cups of flour, some salt, a cup of butter, a little bit of water, mix it all up, roll it out and then put it in a pie tin because only Colorado women will put up with your crap and you're destined to die alone.

I hope this has helped you in your quest for the perfect woman but on further reflection, generally speaking, you're better off leaving the difficult relationship cases for actual scientists. We're like Air Traffic Control for crazy women - we don't care which airline they are, we just want to make sure we all land safely.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:16 AM |

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