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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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:: Phish - Gin And Juice
:: The Whigs - Technology
:: Marit Larsen - Only A Fool
:: Euphoria - Back Against The Wall
:: Richard Swift - As I Go
:: Snowglobe - Rainbow
Get all the Cash you can stand.
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

Prosthetic Parts III

What's up with chicks and their need to wear fake parts? I made the call on Jessica Simpson's fake can when I saw Dukes of Hazzard. I didn't make the call on Felicity Huffman's fake penis while filming TransAmerica, mostly because I thought she already had a real one.

Now it turns out Penelope Cruz ( who? ) needed curvature help also. And she liked having a real woman's bottom so much she asked to be able to keep the fake one after her RETURNING shoot was done. I tell you, when a girl I have never seen in a movie has a butt so inconsequential she needs to pad a pair of pants to feel good about herself, it is going to be an excellent day for humor. What could make her life worse? Dating Tom Cruise?

editor's note: Oops, someone informed me she actually has already dated Tom Cruise. No wonder he liked her. She has a man's ass

posted by Buckaroo at 7:05 AM |

3 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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Science Decides Day Spas Are For Men Too

Where did this notion come from that men can't go to a day spa? I am not talking about some weird metrosexual craziness, I am talking about ordinary men. Rugged men. Scientific men. Like me. I went and, I have to tell you, I am darn proud of it. The reason I went is because on my last trip to Japan I got three of these tiny white corpuscle looking things on my face. Not like a zit ... well, like a zit, only deeper. Subcutaneous even. So I go to a nearby place and walk in. It might as well be outer space to me. The girl at the desk asks what I want and I start explaining about this trip I took to Japan and maybe it was the altitude or the change in climate and her eyes glaze over and she excuses herself to get someone who might be interested.

The someone who might be interested presents herself and says they can indeed do an 'extraction' along with a whole slew of quite necessary things for good facial health. I am already excited. 'Extraction' sounds pretty cool.

I tell Sweety about this and, being ever supportive, she says, "You're such a girl."

This only steels my resolve. If I'm going to get called gay by my chick for going to get my face cleaned, then so be it. I'll go every week just out of spite. Anyway, I go back for my appointment a week later and the girl in charge of my facial health this day rubs a bunch of stuff on me and looks at me under some sort of blacklight and generally washes my face and then pokes with her fingers at these white things.

"Sorry, I don't think I can get those out," she says.

"Of course you can," I reply. "You get a needle and you prick at it a little bit and it comes right out."

"We're not allowed to have needles here. California regulations. Only dermatologists can do that."

Why didn't they mention that when I made the appointment a week ago, I think. But I don't say anything because I am already out $150. I look around this tiny room. I don't see anyone else. "I don't see anyone named California regulations in here," I tell her. "You have a whole building full of women. Surely one of you has a needle."

"I don't think so. The Board of Health could shut us down if we did."

Now it's a grudge match, see? Maybe it's the Libertarian in me but I am not much for ridiculous legislation that impedes me getting what I want when I want it, so after a few minutes of conversation I shall not disclose ( you women think you're the only ones who can get things done with the opposite sex? HA! I have science on my side, baby ) she goes to find out if anyone has a needle.

Well, they don't. But life goes on and I am there and I know I can just go home and do it myself, I was just trying to avoid putting a needle near my eye. Call me crazy.

The one thing I was unprepared for was that they give you a massage too. Well, there's just no way I was taking off my shirt for some strange girl - random, cocaine-crazed supermodels, yes. Strange women in a day spa where I live. Big no. I mention this to Sweety later and she asks why it was a big deal.

"I just don't want other women seeing me naked. You want me to take off my shirt for other women?"

"Well, no," she replies, "But it's a massage. It comes with it."

"I don't want some strange girl touching me.I can't remember the last time another woman saw me without a shirt on, so I am creeped out by it."

"So she couldn't see you without a shirt. What about your pants?" she asked.

"Oh, I let her blow me. That's different."

So guess what? She offered to take those white things out of my face right then and there ... with a butcher knife. Just the same, I didn't take her up on it. I never know when she might not be kidding about stabbing me in the eye.

posted by Buckaroo at 6:26 AM |

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The Endorsement - Women

Okay, not all women, just a few women that came to mind. And for all you women out there not mentioned specifically, it doesn't mean you don't get an endorsement, it just means you have to send me naked pictures the endorsement extends to all women because we are great - sweety.

First, let's talk about Cindy Crawford. I was never a Cindy Crawford fan because she is both a brunette and she has a mole on her face that would bug me after a while. Plus, she is a model. If you have never dated a model - don't.(*) And she was sort of a supermodel, which is like the annoyance of a regular model times 20. So when she was younger I never thought much about her because there were lots of models that were just plain hotter - and they would return my calls.

But Cindy has gotten older and settled down into a quiet life of momhood and doesn't seem to be going nuts to retain her youth and that's pretty darn sexy. Plus, she married a fat guy. I'm not a fat guy but I figure any woman who can marry a fat guy can put up with my constant requests for sex. And maybe an occasional pie. Anyway, this is from some new California magazine they sent to my house for free. I liked the picture enough I scanned it myself! Yeah, that is dedication:

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So keep on truckin', Cindy.

The second woman we endorse today is Amy Smart. Wait, you are thinking. Isn't she a little young? I would have thought so too but it turns out she is 30 later this month and thus entering The Cash Zone. Why do we love her? Because someone should. I am baffled how this girl is not a star. I first noticed her in the miniseries The '70s and then she had this bizarre role on Felicity( don't ask why I watched it - but yeah, I am pretty much the best Scientist ever) where we were supposed to believe a man in his right mind could prefer Keri Russell over her. Yeah, I know. You might as well ask me to fly my car to Cuba as ask me to prefer Keri Russell over Amy Smart.

Back to blogging; the nice thing about international travel is they still have western hotels and western hotels have Pay-Per-View. So feeling particularly lighthearted I rented a movie called Just Friends and she is in it. As always she is funny - and it takes smarts to be funny, as my blog will attest. Plus, she looks like this:

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So kudos to you Amy Smart. Should my chick ever go insane and decide I am not almost perfect, you know where to reach me. I have references and everything.

I bet Yanni isn't getting any references from women these days. Especially since he's been arrested for some kind of domestic violence thing. Usually that means slapping your chick around, and not in a good way. Yanni, read my book ... or at least read my chapter on "The Art of Spanking." Slapping her face and pulling her hair are only for advanced students. And she has to be into that kind of thing. Otherwise, police get called. I will excerpt for you where you should be slapping: "The bottom is a prime erogenous zone; however, unlike other zones such as the breasts and back of the neck, the sexual arousal nerves in the bottom are buried in a layer of fat and require harder stimulation -- like in spanking -- to trigger them;"

So stick to her bum. David Hasselhoff, this advice goes for you too. Restraining orders are so cliche'.

*Advice on not dating a supermodel in paragraph one does not apply to Milla Jovovich. Go ahead and date her.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:15 AM |

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The New James Bond Is A Wuss - But He'll Get Naked

Daniel Craig has been under fire from moment one. Not many people have thought he would be good in the role - except the daughter of the guy who built the franchise. We've already established that English chicks are nuts and having a girl pick the next James Bond is proof of it.

So he's blonde and that isn't good. But whatever. He's also a major league wuss who can't even drive JB's car and that's a little harder to forgive.

So what is his answer to all those criticisms?

"I have told bosses I'm prepared to do a full frontal scene. I'm not shy and Bond wouldn't be shy about it either," says Craig.

HUH? You think that will make the movie BETTER? Does Craig not understand his boss is actually not the audience for James Bond films? Men go to see these movies and the last thing men want to see is Daniel Craig naked. Men want to see hot chicks in a James Bond movie and instead they are giving us a crazy French bag lady. We want cool technology and instead they are giving us an Aston-Martin automatic because Daniel can't learn how to drive a stick. And he apparently can't take a punch either. If you're confused about what makes a hot Bond girl and what makes a crazy French bag lady, see below. For cool gadgets you are on your own.

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Sounds awfully critical of me, right? Why shouldn't I be James Bond, you ask? Why not indeed. I don't have access to Sienna Miller's career-enhancing vagina for one thing - though I have proven that access to it would jump-start my movie career. And my car is cooler than an Aston-Martin, namely because mine starts in the rain. And I can take a punch.

This is also why Sweety calls me Farmboy McDreamy. And she doesn't want me to get famous because she knows Uma Thurman is available.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:10 AM |

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