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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

Can't Get A Date? Science Has The Answer

Want to know the best result of a vigorous debate about evolution? It's now okay to talk about how people are different without getting into all of that touchy-feely "you're special too" hoopie. Let's take mathematicians, for example. They have always been toilet monkeys for scientists but in public we had to be nice to them and nod our heads at what they said even though we could do everything they could do ( scribble gibberish on a chalkboard )and we did it with a lot more style. It's not us being mean to say it now, it's just data.

Fellow scientists who aren't concerned about being politically correct are finally laying it out there about differences between men and women too. I don't know about you but this scientist did much of his young schooling in the 1970s when the popular theory was that there were no differences between men and women and if you raised them the same, they would be the same. This was baffling at the time but, hey, if important scientists said it, it had to be true, right? That's why I believe those evolution guys today when they say that micro- and macro-evolution are the same thing and that evolution doesn't require actual evidence, like fossils.

Well, it turns out common-sense people without science degrees may have been onto something after all and scientists are just now getting it. Science has discovered there are some things that women like to do because of their brain differences; flirting, gossiping and getting all up in our business, for example.

No kidding. I hope "baking me pies" is somewhere farther down that list. So if women's brains are fundamentally different from men's now as compared to the 1970s when we were all the same, maybe it's because they are evolving differently. I'm going to reveal some research here for the first time which shows that not only are women evolving at different rates than men, they are actually devolving in some areas.

Take this example. We'll call her "Carol." As you can see, Carol is evolving nicely in some ways, with the blue eyes and the blonde hair and the flat tummy that all women will one day have. Yet either evolution is a fickle mistress or some higher power is having a laugh at us because, as you can see by this evidence, not only are women still hairy in some spots, they are getting hairier.

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Clearly this is deviating from the evolutionary plan of having women smelling pretty and being mostly hairless that we all want.

So what is the solution? Evolution experts aren't sure and say some changes won't matter at all but some do. Giraffes, they say, evolved long necks to reach food but having Carol shave her arms wouldn't make a bit of difference.

So we can't use any chemicals except Miss Clairol to change the hair aspect but we can use lots of chemicals to modify the brain functions. Research is just beginning so we don't have many concrete solutions but Louann Brizendine offers a few ideas in her book, The Female Brain. She suggests testosterone if a woman has a low sex drive, for example.

I would think shots of Jäger would be a lot cheaper but I am not a neuropsychiatrist. She also talks about chemical treatments for mood swings but as long as those pies keep on coming, I am not too concerned about moods.

Anyway, this sounds like an important book and you can order it here to support science.

I hope this helps in your everyday lives because understanding the crucial differences between the sexes can help you get what you want in your relationships with women, like some peace and quiet.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:49 AM |

1 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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