Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time
Want To Have A Beautiful Daughter? Nail A Scientist
Everyone wants a beautiful daughter. In fact, that topic came up last week. Someone asked me how things had changed since I hit the big 4-0 and I said, "I'm going to meet someone my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful - and I'm going to date her daughter."
How do I meet Alessandra Ambrosio's mother anyway?
It's important that I impregnate a stunningly beautiful woman because this study says that the prettier you are, the more likely it is you will give birth to a girl. It's probably sheer coincidence that in seven generations off the boat from Scotland, my family has never given birth to a girl but I feel like I need to tweak the odds. Because, you know, I am the only scientist.
I thought only Italians had that religious fixation; you know, because all Italian men think their mothers had a virgin birth and all Italian women think their son is God. Regular men just have the madonna/whore fixation. And when we say 'whore' we don't mean Uma Thurman-style attention whore. Is this girl ever in an interview where she isn't talking about how ugly she is? I liked her better when she stated she would date just about anyone and wore clothes like this:
There's only room for one attention whore in any family of mine, I will tell you that. But we'll give Uma a pass this time because she is six feet tall and only weighs 130 lbs, which means we can toss her around the kitchen like a Krispy Kreme box.
Also, please welcome a new honorary member to the world of science: Owen Wilson. Responding to Steely Dan's claims that he based his new movie character on a song of theirs, Wilson said this: "I have never heard the song `Cousin Dupree' and I don't even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, `HEY 19.'"
So, welcome Owen. Because science needs more humor. I can't carry this load all by myself.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:39 AM
Saturday afternoon: Find a way to work "I have unnaturally high levels of testosterone" into a joke. If this guy Floyd Landis can win the Tour De France and get to brag about testosterone levels, he is our new hero. Hope Leno doesn't get to the joke first.
Saturday evening: Orgy of unprotected sex with supermodels.
Sunday morning: Order the Collette - Action Hooker toy doll for my niece. It's French, and that means culture. We could all use a little culture.
Sunday evening: Accept a collect call from this girl:
She says she isn't a convict but I am not sure. Orange isn't her color so that makes me a little suspicious.
Sunday night. Watch Footballers' Wives. You thought I was going to say 'have another orgy of unprotected sex with supermodels', didn't you? Fooled you. Scientists are nothing if not diverse.
posted by Buckaroo at 11:50 AM
Or for the sensitive. To wit, I still haven't cracked the top 50 science blogs but I think it's mostly because I don't shriek about evolution or global warming. There are blogs on that list that haven't been updated since April so how many people link to you can be misleading.
Science ... real science,not academia, where people have lots of time to blog ... isn't for the squeamish. If you've been in the private sector, you know they expect results.
Take this example. It's an email I had forwarded to me from one of my applications engineers;
"XXXXXX, I got the inductance results on the subset of our package and your explanation of why they were different than I expected and, I have to tell you, they hit 8.2 on the bullsh*t Richter scale."
It went downhill from there. Now, to help you calibrate, this guy was a consultant and his whole mission in life was to get a contract at the expense of the people actually employed at the customer's company.
Naturally, science had to come to the rescue. The consultant was using some software that calculated partial inductance rather than loop inductance. Rookie mistake, but you can't go all elitist on him about that so I did my best to mediate and called the customer.
"Well, Cash," says he, "I have different software giving me different capacitance and inductance. Some are giving me loop inductance, some are giving me partial. Just tell me; which one do I trust?"
"Which one matches the measured data?" I asked.
He laughed at that. Then he laughed a little more, this time nervously. "Are you serious?"
"I am. Your test guys are setting up a problem and your simulation guys are setting up a problem. They may not be setting up the same problem so as long as you're hitting your 50Ohm target I guess it doesn't matter which one is the most correct. It will make the test guys happy if you match their measured data."
He's a young guy heading a big project for the first time. "I am not sure that will work," he says.
"Welcome to the world of science. Sometimes accuracy isn't the most important thing, perception of accuracy is the most important thing. And you want the best results - that you can get. But you need to stop trying once you reach the performance spec.
"On the one hand, I thought, "Yayyyy, PBS finally took a moral stand" and on the other hand, I thought, "Why couldn't they start with Bill Moyers?" So PBS now has the perception of looking out for your kids even though your kid loves the girl they fired and isn't likely to be googling her on the internet. And, since you're a healthy American male, I bet your little sproutlet enjoyed watching her jump around in her pajamas before bedtime too."
"You lost me."
"Well, it doesn't matter. You asked which results to go with. Use the loop inductance. Partial inductance was just invented to get quick and dirty answers. Any consultant should know that."
posted by Buckaroo at 7:21 AM
Well, I'll tell you. Nothing makes scientists happier than when celebrity marriages go kerplooey, accusations start flying, and families - being familial - say a bunch of things they would never, ever, ever believe if they read them on my blog.
Let's take this whole Christie Brinkley thing that happened recently. Most of you probably don't know anything about it because you are so highbrow - that's why you are at my blog. For the science. And maybe a chance at an orange smoothie.
I will encapsulate for you: Christie Brinkley ( I think she was a model in the 1940s ) has a husband and he got caught canoodling with his teenage assistant so Brinkley, not content with three divorces under her Total Gym created waistline, decides to divorce him. But this is Hollywood, folks, and Brinkley is a victim. You can't have a victim without a criminal.
Diana Bianchi very much does not want to be the criminal either so she has come out with guns blazing. Her family is helping, saying Mr. Brinkley ( i.e. Peter Cook a.k.a. nobody ) began pursuing her at age 17 and she was seduced by the guy and she was 'naive.'
Stop right there. We live in a society where they talked about a dirty sanchez on the Veronica Mars television show during prime time ... and I am so old I had to Google it to know what in hell they were talking about but the writers knew every kid watching the show would know what they were talking about and laugh. There may be naive 17-to-19 year-old girls out there, but they are living in Lancaster:
I am supposed to believe a 19-year old girl sleeping with her married boss and getting cars, money and jewelry in return is now passing herself off as "a little naive." I know lots of naive girls then. They're called strippers.
Some pinhead lawyer spoke to reporters and admitted the couple's relationship was consensual but stated Cook's role as employer and his gifts of a car, money and jewelry could constitute sexual harassment. Except she only got the job because she was sleeping with him.
Now look, I am all for penalizing someone if they try to withhold a promotion or fire a girl for not giving up the booty. That's just fair play. But if he's not doing that it's just a guy trying to get laid. God knows women make it hard enough for us without getting lawyers involved.
And what's the big deal to Christie Brinkley? So he nailed his personal assistant. That's what personal assistants are for.
Come to think of it, I need a personal assistant. Should any of you care to apply, send your resume and a picture of you in an I HEART SCIENTISTS t-shirt and I'll be in touch.
By "I'll be in touch" I mean, "We'll get drunk and have hot monkey sex."
posted by Buckaroo at 2:07 PM
Claudia Barnes, a local busybody who learned just today that chickens have to die before she can eat them, doesn't like the idea at all.
"We're just appalled," she said. "If they want to do this in the privacy of their home, I don't care. But we're just opening up a keg of worms if this happens."
Keg of worms? What happened to cliches everyone knew and that made sense? She is worried about some kind of slippery slope here, like if chickens are killed humanely we'll suddenly have dogs hanging in the streets, like in Spain? And they should kill chickens in their homes? Is that some kind of racist thing against Mexicans? Listen up, Claudia, Mexicans may have chickens fight each other in their basements but they don't kill them. Not on purpose anyway. I am with the Mexicans here. I am okay with dead chickens because they can't bring me my slippers but I draw the line at hanging dogs.
I'm not sure how it could be spontaneous and well-thought out at the same time but even at 65, or whatever age she is, Pamela Anderson* still looks like this;
So we're willing to give her some slack because of that.** And what do you think Claudia Barnes looks like? I don't know either but if you guessed she's similar to the homeless woman down the street from me who smells like urine and has a ping-pong ball for a left eye, you probably wouldn't be far off.
So science isn't all bad. Sure, we invented guns, which accidentally kill 1,500 Americans a year, but we also invented cars, which accidentally kill 43,000 Americans per ... oh, wait, maybe that isn't a good example.
Here's a better one. We found a CURE FOR CANCER! Well, we didn't, but Dr. Miracles did. Like most good men of science he has a sense of humor and makes his job fun, though I bet his approach is more popular in Europe.
I'm not kidding. I have been to Europe a lot and one thing I can tell you is, they know what they like. They think we're all Quakers or Puritans or one of those religions that left Europe because they didn't like porn on TV or on wood block carvings or whatever they used in the 1600s, and we figure that constant exposure to porn makes you more likely to want to pee when you have urinals that look like this:
That was in a McDonald's in Holland but I always say, 'Hey, it's Holland. If they weren't the deviancy capital of western Europe, what would they have?' Some people didn't agree and complained. Stupid Puritan tourists. 'When in Rome ...' as the saying goes, so if seeing that urinal over and over makes some Dutch girl want to be your toilet monkey when you visit Amsterdam, I say go for it. It's not a fetish of mine but I don't have one. Believe me, I have tried to find one. That's a whole blog all by itself.
It's Jessica Biel, people. She may look like a horse but she has a hot body and she's a pretty good sport for agreeing to go to lunch with any nerd who buys her at a charity auction.
Back to the bit about science saving lives. 4,000 people a year die from drowning but our bodies are 70% water, the planet is 70% water, we're basically in water the first nine months we exist, and there's oxygen in water. So I am baffled by that statistic.
Remind me to work on curing drowning now that cancer has been taken. If you'd like to be a test case for my cure via the Dr. Miracles method, it will totally get you a free t-shirt - and an orange smoothie.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:51 AM
And yet there it is, another scientific miracle, normal except for the freakish two-headed aspect. Some of you may be worried that this cat will be subject to persecution and ridicule by other cats. Fear not. All we have to do is make a quaint holiday video and have him save Christmas and he can get all the adulation any two-faced cat needs.
Holiday videos can't do a thing about hurricanes, but then neither can scientists. Sure, we can say 'hey, those levees need to be bigger' and then environmentalists can say 'no, that's bad for the environment' and then we can all pretend to be right until the best strip club in America ends up under water. But Mr. T must be a heck of a scientist because he has the answer. He's going to give up his bling to stop hurricanes.
I pity the fool who argues with that kind of logic. Mr. T says he saw actual poor people after Hurricane Katrina and that made him feel guilty and he rebukes other celebrities who just go for photo-ops saying, "If you're not going to go down there with a check and a hammer and a nail to help the people, don't go down there."
He must be really proud of Sean Penn. He brought a check and a shotgun. But he needed one because, as he said, "there's bodies everywhere" and he was concerned they would turn into zombies.
I still feel bad that seeing poor people made Mr. T feel guilty and give up his bling. But, as a scientist, I have the solution. I will tell him to get the American Express Centurion Card. That's the black one. When you use it, poor people actually disappear.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:35 AM
Science Determines Sony Hates Albinoes And Black People
Sony is a Japanese company - and the Japanese hate everyone. I am always baffled when I am out in public in America and someone mentions how polite the Japanese are. Yes, they are outwardly polite; they just bottle up all that hatred. But every 60 years - BOOM - Pearl Harbor.*
I give most any man travelling to Japan this advice: If you are hopelessly lost in Japan and no one speaks English, walk up to the hottest girl you see and start talking to her. Within seconds, you will be surrounded by five Japanese men asking you in English if they can help you. Because the only thing Japanese people hate more than gaijin is the thought of a big gaijin having sex with one of their women.
How does this relate to science? It's the science of marketing. You see, Sony game machines are basically black boxes with Nvidia graphics chips and some other stuff thrown in. So if you want to inject some sizzle into a product that can't be customized from a technology point of view, you simply ... make it a new color. What's the opposite of black? White, of course.
Nothing offensive in that. Just a white - well, very white - woman grabbing a very black woman and forcing her into a position of submission. What does that say to you?
Right, the best porn movie ever.
But no, some people took it to be racist. When I heard that, I assumed they meant because of the albino woman. We all know it's okay to hate albinoes but that doesn't mean they won't raise a stink about it.
No, people took it to be a skin color issue, ignoring the fact that the Japanese hate everyone - and since the Dutch and the Portugese are in a virtual tie for first place in the African slave trade throughout history, black people in Holland are a little touchy about it. Once the scandal erupted and they got their publicity, Sony pulled the offending ad, but not before insuring that every Skinhead in Europe is standing in line to get one because of the controversy. Those Skinheads really hate albinoes, you know.
*Thank you, George Costanza.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:53 AM
Yes, you really want to see what that guy looks like at age 1,000. Now, some people might think it's a bad idea to live to 1,000. Imagine another 990 years of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie doing, for example, The Simple Life: CMLXL ( errrr ... is that 990? I am actually not Roman ) and where will we put all those Mexicans?
I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness so, naturally, science has the answer; Logan's Run.
Yes, we just have to start killing people. It only makes sense that if science is going to extend life indefinitely, we have to find creative ways to whack people as well.
We have a few options; instead of killing people at age 30, for example, we just might not let ugly people have access to life-extending goodness. "Oh, we lost your paperwork" is always acceptable as an excuse. And since they're ugly people they've been screwed since birth so they are used to getting the short end of things. The committee that would decide who is not ugly would consist of the same committee members that used to determine which women could wear designer jeans: me.
Here is an example from the Logan's Run motion picture of who would be allowed to escape the big red glow:
Science had its first erection watching Farrah Fawcett in that movie. Well, I mean science had its first erection of the evening of May 11th, 1977 watching her in that movie.
If selective breeding out of ugly people doesn't seem like a viable solution, we could always make a game out of killing people, like in that Schwarzenegger movie, or pretend that the participants are furry cartoon creatures and that they will shake it off when they get hit in the face with a frying pan. Because everyone loves furry cartoon creatures.
*Hey, don't laugh. Corned beef has no corn either. Try putting that on your Reuben.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:54 AM
Ozzie Osbourne was not home when Satan came to collect - you didn't think his puzzling success for 3.5 decades had to do with musical ability, did you? Luckily, Ozzie's brain is so addled even he didn't know where he was so Satan missed him and burned down his mansion instead.
Speaking of lying, I have a complaint. Most of you lie about how much you like scientists. How do I know? Because this list of the 50 most popular science blogs does not include mine. Get thee to thy templates and place a link to me, people. Science needs more humor and 43 of the 50 on this list are about environmental junk science - B.O.R.I.N.G. You can Blogroll me also. But Technorati seems to be biased toward links. Bastards.
Science Hasn't Yet Invented A Way To Make The Right Women Get Naked - We'll Work On That
Ashlee Simpson won't get naked, even for $4 million - and, you have to admit, after her excellent new prosthetic face, she looks almost human, so she might be worth seeing naked:
Meanwhile, Britney Spears won't put on clothes:
How much do we have to pay for her to stop getting naked?
Finally, after her new prosthetic mouth, Hilary Duff looks less like a duck and more like a horse:
So it's a good day for science and chicks - if you are on The Island of Doctor Moreau, that is. What's the over-under on teeth lost in a cage match between Hilary Duff and Ashlee Simpson anyway? I bet I am taking the Over.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:56 AM
Because we needed this study to tell us money can't buy happiness* and this one to tell us fat people actually are not more jolly than the rest of us.
So the next time someone tries to set me up on a date by using the catch-phrase "she is sooooo jolly" I will see right through it. I'll know they mean she is really thin and hot.
So, really, what is the benefit to being fat if you can't sit around smugly eating your second box of Krispy Kreme's secure in the knowledge that you're happier than the rest of us?. I, for one, am happy to hear someone finally did this study. I have gotten tired of fat people always lording it over me because they are supposedly so much happier than I am. And I'm tired of them making jokes about me not shopping in the 'stout' section of department stores. End intolerance toward thin people now.
This is one time I think more money should be thrown at studies. We have improved as a society now that fat people can't continue to act superior because of their innate happiness.
Now they should do a study proving that men with small hands and sports cars don't have small penises. Because I am really fed up with that one too.
*See the full study here. Their studies also show Republicans are happier than Democrats. But that's because we're all Oil Barons.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:57 AM