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| Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules: |
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| 10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool. |
| 9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states. |
| 8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics. |
| 7) Bugs - they never see you comin'. |
| 6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen. |
| 5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!" |
| 4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am! |
| 3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song. |
| 2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week! |
| ... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ... |
| 1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2" |
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| What Cool Scientists Are Listening To - Click Links Below |
| :: Cash - Being Simple |
| :: Viva K - Does It Matter? |
| :: The Ark - One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young |
| :: The Donnas - Roll On Down The Highway |
| :: Billy Joe Shaver - Georgia On A Fast Train |
| :: Phish - Gin And Juice |
| :: The Whigs - Technology |
| :: Marit Larsen - Only A Fool |
| :: Euphoria - Back Against The Wall |
| :: Richard Swift - As I Go |
| :: Snowglobe - Rainbow |
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| Site Statistics |
| Unique IPs the past month: 8755 |
| Number of countries that read this blog: 54 |
| Percentage of visitors who stay more than 20 minutes: 16% |
| Most hits by Country - USA, England, Japan |
| Queso Fresco Cheese References: 3 |
| Cocaine references: 7 |
| Queso Fresco Cheese References As Allegories for Cocaine: 2 |
| Jaime Pressly references: 5 |
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| [::..Archive..::] |
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time
Science Shows You How Not To Get Sex On Valentine's Day
I got hopped up on insurance recently, probably due to the fact that I changed companies about two years ago and recently discovered that, should I die in a horrific flaming car wreck surrounded by large-breasted women with Bonepony's "Stomp Revival" in all 6 slots of my 6-slot CD changer, their insurance policy on me doesn't pay squat.
Why would family members cut the brakes to my car if there's nothing to inherit? I can't expect to be liked on personality alone so 'inheritance' is something I want my kin to be muttering when they think about me.
Insurance policies require blood tests and such and they sent a nice lady over to see me to handle all of that. Sweety asks me how it went.
"I guess it was fine," I say.
"What was your blood pressure?"
"120/80."
"That's normal, right?"
"I am never sure. On charts it shows 120/80 and down is normal but 120-139 is pre-hypertension. Either way, I think I am okay."
"What else do they do?"
"They take a blood sample and a urine sample."
"Did it hurt?"
"The urine sample? No, she held it very gently."
Silence. I know what is happening; she is giving me the look. You know what look I mean. The look that is supposed to tell me it is Valentine's Day. Like I don't know. I am the one who had to go to Target to buy her that $4 box of candy.
"24 hours. That's all I ask." She says. She means 24 hours without a reference to another woman's vagina or sex acts with other women. Especially deviant sex acts involving urine. Even as a joke.
"But if I stop making those jokes today you'd just expect it again tomorrow."
"You are not around that much. I just want to see if you can do it for one day."
Thus I have decided that, in the spirit of romance, I will make the effort. So here you go, people. 24 hours of humor without reference to supermodels, vaginas or cocaine.
Sweety, I hope you are happy. I won't make my $.05 on Google AdSense today because those jokes are the only reason people bother to read my blog.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:06 AM |
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