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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Get all the Cash you can stand.
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

The Endorsement - Women

Okay, not all women, just a few women that came to mind. And for all you women out there not mentioned specifically, it doesn't mean you don't get an endorsement, it just means you have to send me naked pictures the endorsement extends to all women because we are great - sweety.

First, let's talk about Cindy Crawford. I was never a Cindy Crawford fan because she is both a brunette and she has a mole on her face that would bug me after a while. Plus, she is a model. If you have never dated a model - don't.(*) And she was sort of a supermodel, which is like the annoyance of a regular model times 20. So when she was younger I never thought much about her because there were lots of models that were just plain hotter - and they would return my calls.

But Cindy has gotten older and settled down into a quiet life of momhood and doesn't seem to be going nuts to retain her youth and that's pretty darn sexy. Plus, she married a fat guy. I'm not a fat guy but I figure any woman who can marry a fat guy can put up with my constant requests for sex. And maybe an occasional pie. Anyway, this is from some new California magazine they sent to my house for free. I liked the picture enough I scanned it myself! Yeah, that is dedication:

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So keep on truckin', Cindy.

The second woman we endorse today is Amy Smart. Wait, you are thinking. Isn't she a little young? I would have thought so too but it turns out she is 30 later this month and thus entering The Cash Zone. Why do we love her? Because someone should. I am baffled how this girl is not a star. I first noticed her in the miniseries The '70s and then she had this bizarre role on Felicity( don't ask why I watched it - but yeah, I am pretty much the best Scientist ever) where we were supposed to believe a man in his right mind could prefer Keri Russell over her. Yeah, I know. You might as well ask me to fly my car to Cuba as ask me to prefer Keri Russell over Amy Smart.

Back to blogging; the nice thing about international travel is they still have western hotels and western hotels have Pay-Per-View. So feeling particularly lighthearted I rented a movie called Just Friends and she is in it. As always she is funny - and it takes smarts to be funny, as my blog will attest. Plus, she looks like this:

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So kudos to you Amy Smart. Should my chick ever go insane and decide I am not almost perfect, you know where to reach me. I have references and everything.

I bet Yanni isn't getting any references from women these days. Especially since he's been arrested for some kind of domestic violence thing. Usually that means slapping your chick around, and not in a good way. Yanni, read my book ... or at least read my chapter on "The Art of Spanking." Slapping her face and pulling her hair are only for advanced students. And she has to be into that kind of thing. Otherwise, police get called. I will excerpt for you where you should be slapping: "The bottom is a prime erogenous zone; however, unlike other zones such as the breasts and back of the neck, the sexual arousal nerves in the bottom are buried in a layer of fat and require harder stimulation -- like in spanking -- to trigger them;"

So stick to her bum. David Hasselhoff, this advice goes for you too. Restraining orders are so cliche'.

*Advice on not dating a supermodel in paragraph one does not apply to Milla Jovovich. Go ahead and date her.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:15 AM |

0 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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