So I gave up on the idea of keeping it simple. Thus, here it is, an easy to follow guide to understanding women. It's like a taxonomy key. If you don't know what that is, you deserve bad relationships:
Does she drink Shiner Bock? If the answer is YES, it means she is from Texas and can shuck a crawdad for you in under 3 seconds. Ask her on a date because Texas women can endure anything. If the answer is NO, go to IS SHE A REPUBLICAN?
Did you meet her in a Farmer's Market? If the answer is yes, you are in LA. So she doesn't find it odd if you spend more on waxes than her and have better shoes. If the answer is NO, what are you doing at a Farmer's Market? And go to CAN SHE BAKE A PIE?
Does she have a great butt? If the answer is YES she is from Bulgaria, home of the hottest non-blonde women per capita on planet Earth. If the answer is NO, why are you talking to her? Have you ever been comforted when a friend setting you up with a girl issues forth the statement, "She has really pretty eyes"? No, I didn't think so. And go to DOES SHE LISTEN TO DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS?
Does she know what a Superdawg is? If the answer is YES, you are in Chicago. There will always be cheap beer at her place. She also won't mind if you pull out your thing in the cab ride back from dinner. If the answer is NO, fly to Chicago.
Is she a Republican? If the answer is YES, she won't cry about the woman she is devastating by sleeping with you. If the answer is NO, get thee to a Red state and find one. And tell Ann Coulter I said hello. I kinda miss her.
Does she listen to Drive-By Truckers? If the answer is YES, she is so dirty you don't have to ask how many piercings she has as an indicator of where she will let you put it. If the answer is NO, a lack of a great ass and no freaky business means you are destined to watch Cinemax on Fridays for the foreseeable future.
Can she bake a pie? If the answer is YES, she is from Colorado. Marry the girl, because pie crusts are a b&%ch. If the answer is NO, two cups of flour, some salt, a cup of butter, a little bit of water, mix it all up, roll it out and then put it in a pie tin because only Colorado women will put up with your crap and you're destined to die alone.
I hope this has helped you in your quest for the perfect woman but on further reflection, generally speaking, you're better off leaving the difficult relationship cases for actual scientists. We're like Air Traffic Control for crazy women - we don't care which airline they are, we just want to make sure we all land safely.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:16 AM