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7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Science Defends The Indefensible Position: Slappin' Your Ho

It may be indefensible but it wouldn't be a fun day if I didn't try and defend it for that very reason. Why bother, you ask? Sure, you're thinking 'he's the cracker mack daddy of science' so I never need to smack my b*tch up to get her to act proper, but this doesn't mean arguing the merits of the occasional love tap can't be valid as an intellectual exercise.

I am inspired by this topic because Sean Connery's ex-wife says he used to slap her around and if it's good enough for the original James Bond it is at least worth thinking about. Obviously publicists denied the whole thing ever happened and sometimes you have to go right to the source, so I called up Mr. Connery and asked how things were going with his current bride after three decades.

"She needs a firm rein," said Sir Sean, "I've whipped her when she was ripe for it, and it has settled her down nice and grateful for it. This isn't on the record, right?"

"No, Mr. Connery, my blog is nothing if not discreet."

That put him at ease and he expounded a little. He was quick to say you can't punch your chick like you would a man. "There's a difference," he said, "between firm and being the kind of creepy wife beater you and I would knock on his ass. And then there's sex."

That made sense to me, especially since someone as cool as Sean Connery made it sound like we were compadres. Wait, did he just say sex?

"Cash, a girl's bottom is a prime erogenous zone but the sexual arousal nerves in the bottom are buried in a layer of fat and require harder stimulation -- like in spanking -- to trigger them. You really should know all this. I have read your stuff. On your blog you always sound invincible."

His sarcasm didn't go unnoticed and I didn't have sex last night so my temper was short.* "Hey, I am not sure I have to take that crap from a guy who starred in Meteor."

"I nailed Natalie Wood every night during that shoot. Who have you done?

"I don't see how that is relevant ..."

"Easy, lad. All I am saying is I read that crap of yours about a line of women longer than the Wall of China and I am telling you, if you really want the chippies, star as James Bond in a movie some time."

Well, I had to concede that point. I couldn't even get cast as Rick in the Magnum P.I. feature film. But we still hadn't gotten to the part about whether or not he slapped his ex-wife around.

"Cash, I have gone over this a million times. It was a different era. Before disco. We didn't have guys wearing gym shorts to go to clubs. Do you think Leo Sayer could have gotten a girl in the '60s?"

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"No, you needed to be a man," he continued. "Sometimes there are women who take it to the wire. That’s what they are looking for — the ultimate confrontation. They want a smack. Don't tell me you've never done it."

"Well, my girl isn't from the '60s. I'm pretty sure she'd set me on fire if I did that."

"You never know, Cash. You never know. The divorce rate is probably a lot higher today because women don't respect men enough. A good ass whippin' might take care of some of that."

I thanked Sir Sean for his time but came away feeling like I hadn't come up with a slam-dunk defense for hittin' your chick. Plus, today isn't all bad. Today's youth don't wear gym shorts on television but they perfected the concept of "friends with benefits" and I think that is a reasonable trade-off. And I don't care who invented that whole Brazilian Wax thing, they pretty much deserve a Nobel Prize.

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*How did I not have sex last night, you wonder? Sweety said she had an appointment with her gynecologist the next morning.
"Do you have an appointment with your dentist too?" I asked. This was, apparently, not the appropriate response.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:34 AM |

0 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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