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6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
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1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

Colorado Woman Mixes Science, Metaphors

Nothing says relaxation and down-home cooking like the smell of crackling electricity through chicken corpses and Liborio Markets, a Latino-based grocery store moving into the region, aims to please. To make sure you get the freshest chicken nuggets possible, they intend to kill about 150 chickens a day by coursing wholesome electrical currents through the feathered critters. Then they cook them. Seems simple enough, and about as humane as you can get, being they are turned into food and all, but some residents are clucking about it.

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Claudia Barnes, a local busybody who learned just today that chickens have to die before she can eat them, doesn't like the idea at all.

"We're just appalled," she said. "If they want to do this in the privacy of their home, I don't care. But we're just opening up a keg of worms if this happens."

Keg of worms? What happened to cliches everyone knew and that made sense? She is worried about some kind of slippery slope here, like if chickens are killed humanely we'll suddenly have dogs hanging in the streets, like in Spain? And they should kill chickens in their homes? Is that some kind of racist thing against Mexicans? Listen up, Claudia, Mexicans may have chickens fight each other in their basements but they don't kill them. Not on purpose anyway. I am with the Mexicans here. I am okay with dead chickens because they can't bring me my slippers but I draw the line at hanging dogs.

This woman must have gone to the Pam Anderson school of rhetoric. Speaking about her sudden marriage announcement to one-time country/rap/whatever bad boy Kid Rock, she said, "It's been a whirlwind ... spontaneous but well thought through."

I'm not sure how it could be spontaneous and well-thought out at the same time but even at 65, or whatever age she is, Pamela Anderson* still looks like this;

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So we're willing to give her some slack because of that.** And what do you think Claudia Barnes looks like? I don't know either but if you guessed she's similar to the homeless woman down the street from me who smells like urine and has a ping-pong ball for a left eye, you probably wouldn't be far off.

And while I'm on the subject, what's up with Colorado these days anyway? When you don't have crazy ladies endorsing chicken genocide in peoples' homes, you have this guy pretending to be a Troll and charging people to cross a bridge. It's almost like all of the people who think California isn't weird enough have moved there.

*New for 2006! Now with Hepatitis C!!
**And Rocia Guario Diaz can say any damn thing she pleases:

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posted by Buckaroo at 7:50 AM |

0 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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