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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

Know What What Makes Scientists Happy?

I mean really, really happy. This kind of happy:

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Well, I'll tell you. Nothing makes scientists happier than when celebrity marriages go kerplooey, accusations start flying, and families - being familial - say a bunch of things they would never, ever, ever believe if they read them on my blog.

Let's take this whole Christie Brinkley thing that happened recently. Most of you probably don't know anything about it because you are so highbrow - that's why you are at my blog. For the science. And maybe a chance at an orange smoothie.

I will encapsulate for you: Christie Brinkley ( I think she was a model in the 1940s ) has a husband and he got caught canoodling with his teenage assistant so Brinkley, not content with three divorces under her Total Gym created waistline, decides to divorce him. But this is Hollywood, folks, and Brinkley is a victim. You can't have a victim without a criminal.

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Diana Bianchi very much does not want to be the criminal either so she has come out with guns blazing. Her family is helping, saying Mr. Brinkley ( i.e. Peter Cook a.k.a. nobody ) began pursuing her at age 17 and she was seduced by the guy and she was 'naive.'

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Stop right there. We live in a society where they talked about a dirty sanchez on the Veronica Mars television show during prime time ... and I am so old I had to Google it to know what in hell they were talking about but the writers knew every kid watching the show would know what they were talking about and laugh. There may be naive 17-to-19 year-old girls out there, but they are living in Lancaster:

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I am supposed to believe a 19-year old girl sleeping with her married boss and getting cars, money and jewelry in return is now passing herself off as "a little naive." I know lots of naive girls then. They're called strippers.

Some pinhead lawyer spoke to reporters and admitted the couple's relationship was consensual but stated Cook's role as employer and his gifts of a car, money and jewelry could constitute sexual harassment. Except she only got the job because she was sleeping with him.

Now look, I am all for penalizing someone if they try to withhold a promotion or fire a girl for not giving up the booty. That's just fair play. But if he's not doing that it's just a guy trying to get laid. God knows women make it hard enough for us without getting lawyers involved.

And what's the big deal to Christie Brinkley? So he nailed his personal assistant. That's what personal assistants are for.

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Come to think of it, I need a personal assistant. Should any of you care to apply, send your resume and a picture of you in an I HEART SCIENTISTS t-shirt and I'll be in touch.

By "I'll be in touch" I mean, "We'll get drunk and have hot monkey sex."

posted by Buckaroo at 2:07 PM |

2 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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