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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
What Cool Scientists Are Listening To - Click Links Below
:: Cash - Being Simple
:: Viva K - Does It Matter?
:: The Ark - One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young
:: The Donnas - Roll On Down The Highway
:: Billy Joe Shaver - Georgia On A Fast Train
:: Phish - Gin And Juice
:: The Whigs - Technology
:: Marit Larsen - Only A Fool
:: Euphoria - Back Against The Wall
:: Richard Swift - As I Go
:: Snowglobe - Rainbow
Get all the Cash you can stand.
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

Scientists Could Still Be Dating Supermodels in 3006

That's right, this guy says he is making progress in cellular damage repair - what you call corn. No wait, that was a commercial for Maize. I meant, "what you call aging."*

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Yes, you really want to see what that guy looks like at age 1,000. Now, some people might think it's a bad idea to live to 1,000. Imagine another 990 years of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie doing, for example, The Simple Life: CMLXL ( errrr ... is that 990? I am actually not Roman ) and where will we put all those Mexicans?

I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness so, naturally, science has the answer; Logan's Run.

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Yes, we just have to start killing people. It only makes sense that if science is going to extend life indefinitely, we have to find creative ways to whack people as well.

We have a few options; instead of killing people at age 30, for example, we just might not let ugly people have access to life-extending goodness. "Oh, we lost your paperwork" is always acceptable as an excuse. And since they're ugly people they've been screwed since birth so they are used to getting the short end of things. The committee that would decide who is not ugly would consist of the same committee members that used to determine which women could wear designer jeans: me.

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Here is an example from the Logan's Run motion picture of who would be allowed to escape the big red glow:

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Science had its first erection watching Farrah Fawcett in that movie. Well, I mean science had its first erection of the evening of May 11th, 1977 watching her in that movie.

If selective breeding out of ugly people doesn't seem like a viable solution, we could always make a game out of killing people, like in that Schwarzenegger movie, or pretend that the participants are furry cartoon creatures and that they will shake it off when they get hit in the face with a frying pan. Because everyone loves furry cartoon creatures.

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*Hey, don't laugh. Corned beef has no corn either. Try putting that on your Reuben.

posted by Buckaroo at 7:54 AM |

0 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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