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| Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules: |
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| 10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool. |
| 9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states. |
| 8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics. |
| 7) Bugs - they never see you comin'. |
| 6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen. |
| 5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!" |
| 4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am! |
| 3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song. |
| 2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week! |
| ... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ... |
| 1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2" |
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| :: The Ark - One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young |
| :: The Donnas - Roll On Down The Highway |
| :: Billy Joe Shaver - Georgia On A Fast Train |
| :: Phish - Gin And Juice |
| :: The Whigs - Technology |
| :: Marit Larsen - Only A Fool |
| :: Euphoria - Back Against The Wall |
| :: Richard Swift - As I Go |
| :: Snowglobe - Rainbow |
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| Queso Fresco Cheese References As Allegories for Cocaine: 2 |
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time
Science Proves Women Are In League With Lucifer
Science can't prove everything. We can't prove Evolution, for example, and we can't prove that light is a wave and not a particle or that light is a particle and not a wave or ... well, we can't prove most anything about light.
But science can prove some things.
We have proven that all women are hotter as blondes.
And while we can't prove that Evolution is the source of life, we certainly proved that women are evolving in ways to insure their future supremacy.
Armed with all of these advantages, you wouldn't think women need anything else, right? Well, that isn't stopping them. It seems some women have joined with Lucifer to gain even more power.
Harold Iggleton, a leading expert in the occult and author of the definitive work Satan's Supermodels: The Untold Story of Devil-Worship in the Fashion Industry
makes the case that these women may be the advance guard for a worldwide takeover using the supernatural."The Evil One used his dark powers to remake these 'nobodies' from top to bottom -- taking away their flabby guts, sagging behinds and oversized schnozzes, while endowing them with high cheekbones, long, shapely legs and tight, toned buns," said Iggleton.
We can't just let Satan take over the whole world, so we asked Iggleton how we would know exactly which women were armed with the might of Hades itself and he gave us these helpful hints:
1. If she has a romantic relationship with a rock musician. "It's long been established that rock is the Devil's music," stated Iggleton. Scientists are okay, though. "You only have sex like rock stars," he said. Indeed.
2. If she bears the "Devil's Mark," what scientists call a "tramp stamp", usually on her lower back just above the buttocks. Scientists were disappointed to find out this was a problem, since virtually every girl we have ever known has had one.
3. If she is caught engaged in immoral conduct such as raunchy same-sex dancing. There goes my New Years party. How do I get a refund on all this cocaine?
4. If she is never seen in public holding a Bible. I am not even seen in Church holding a Bible.
5. If she causes happily married men to have immoral urges. "If a man comes out of the bathroom red-faced and clutching the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated, you can be sure one of Satan's minions is having an effect on him," Iggleton pointed out.
What about coming out of a bathroom clutching an actual Sports Illustrated swimsuit model? Because I did that three times this year and I have never been sucked into the Pits of Hell.
Anyway, there seems to be something to this 'Satan helping supermodels' thing. Nothing else can explain why Heidi Klum still gets work.
posted by Buckaroo at 7:04 AM |
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