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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

Scientists Bring Peace To The Mid-East


INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE, SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA. DAYTIME. Cash pops an "Our Blend" Keurig pod into his coffee maker and prepares for another day of making the world safe for technology, one supermodel at a time. His desk has a Curta mechanical calculator and a Bruce Wayne action figure. NOT Batman. Bruce Wayne. The Science Phone rings.

CASH: Mushi mushi.


CASH: Oops, wrong language. Sorry, I thought this was Japan calling. Iy-Aksamlar. Or salaam chetori. Don't make me guess. Who am I speaking with?

VOICE: This is Abu Hamza al-Muhajir. Maybe you have heard of me? I need help from science. Are you not a scientist?

CASH: I am told I am more like a game-show host. That Sigourney Weaver is such a card. What do you need help proving? Ghosts? UFOs? Evolution? I am willing to believe you.

VOICE: We have need of help eradicating a pest problem. We believe you science can aid our holy mission.

CASH: Abso-friggin-lutely. I think we science can solve most problems. But what do you mean by 'pest?' Are you talking about supermodels? I have a lot of experience with those. I have a special trap called a "nightclub" and bait, which we call "cocaine" and ...

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VOICE: NO, you infidel fool ... errrr, I mean ... no, I have a much better opportunity for you. The field of jihad can satisfy your scientific ambitions, and the large American bases are good places to test your unconventional weapons, whether biological or dirty, as they call them. And just for you, we make you a dhimmi. What do you think?

CASH: Well, I am all for violence - it's my only vice, really. But generally speaking, Americans tend to frown on scientists who help blow up Americans in foreign lands. And Captain America comes to me when he needs his patriotism pumped up a little so if I suddenly switch sides they'll think I was raised in Marin County or something. I couldn't put my mother through that.

VOICE: So what can you do?

CASH: Not much, I assume. Why are you calling the US for something like this?

VOICE: I appeal to every holy warrior in the land of Iraq to exert all efforts in this holy month so that God may enable us to capture some of the Western dogs to swap them with our sheik and get him out of his dark prison.

CASH: Dogs? You think dogs and people are the same thing? That's a new twist on Evolution. Shouldn't you be calling CNN or Reuters instead? They'll believe you. They believe anything.

VOICE: The blood has been spilled in Iraq of more than 4,000 foreigners who came to fight. CNN knows this.

CASH: You mean 4,000 terrorists have gone to Iraq and been whacked? No wonder CNN won't report it. That will get Republicans re-elected.

VOICE: I give up. *click*


So there you have it, folks. The terrorists gave up. Now you don't have to just thank science for LSD and Viagra, you can thank us for mid-east peace too. Next up; did Jiminy Cricket kill Paris Hilton and take over her life?

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posted by Buckaroo at 7:12 AM |

5 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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