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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time

AstroGlide - The Video Game

If there's one thing I hate it's rumors about me and women I am not actually nailing. And, frankly, this thing about me and Kate Beckinsale has gotten out of hand. I am not responsible for the collapse of her marriage, no matter how bad it looks.

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Okay, because your opinion of me is important, here is what happened: I happened to be in an internet cafe in Japan and Kate is noodling away on a computer. Now, this is Japan and it ain't like any of these people watched Pearl Harbor at the multi-plex, if you catch my political humor, so they don't recognize her. And all Americans look alike. Especially the English ones.

And danged if I don't look over her shoulder and she is at the Astro-Glide website playing a video game. Now, I don't know about you, but it isn't every day a girl is at a sexual lubricant website playing something called Astro-Blasto, which seems to involve nothing but some blobby thing spitting at some other blobby things. Kinda hot now that I think back on it.

Anyway, she is getting clobbered at this so I say, "Hey Spongebob, howzabout I show you how this is done?" and I scoot her over with my hip and she looks over at me in some sort of shock, like I am supposed to be in awe of her because she was in Uncovered and whatever other crap littered her career.

So she kinda laughs at my audacity and, well, I am the only other American within 5 miles, so I tell her, "Nice teeth. Bugs Bunny wants his smile back." Which is what every beautiful women wants to hear. The Bugs Bunny comparison, I mean. Not the 'nice teeth' part.

So anyway, that was the extent of our Astro-Glide shared experience. I even forgot to ask why she was at their website, but I did learn all about the product and that they have free samples you can request too. For those lonely nights when you need to 'mimic' strawberry-flavored female lubricants.

I'll be a tongue-tied mackerel if I can tell you how strawberries and women are related, but I am willing to learn.

So now you're asking yourself; why did the pimpiest guy in science not hit on Kate Beckinsale when he had the chance? She was surprised too. But when Alessandra Ambrosio is on the trip with you, you tend not to look at other women.

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posted by Buckaroo at 7:40 AM |

1 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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