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Top 10 Reasons My Faster-Than-Light Car Rules:
10) Stephen Hawking always wants to carpool.
9) Breaking the laws of physics is only a misdemeanor in most states.
8) Traffic enforcement is pretty much limited to cops with Ph.D.'s in Quantum Physics.
7) Bugs - they never see you comin'.
6) I can get to the good hookers before Charlie Sheen.
5) I made a fortune selling pizza with the slogan "It's there before you order or it's free!"
4) I sleep until noon and still get to work by 8:00am!
3) I'm never in the car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
2) My cigar butts don't land in the back seat, they land in last week!
... and the number one cool thing about my faster-than-light car is ...
1) I get a license plate that reads "ME = MC^2"
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Making The World Safe For Science - One Supermodel At A Time




Science Shows You How To Determine If Your Girlfriend Is A Tramp



Trust is an important element in any relationship. How do you establish trust? Naturally, you have her followed and break into her email.

But what if the paranoid wench drives like Steve McQueen and doesn't use her cat's name as her password? What then?

Science would rather light a candle than curse your darkness so I have devised a handy Tramp Calibration Meter. All you have to do is feed in some of the things she says about you and the Tramp Calibration Meter will tell you whether or not she is going to be faithful.

Let's test it out. I picked Scarlett Johansson because I just read an interview with her and we can go step-by-step and see how the Tramp Calibration Meter works. For each statement of hers I will tell you what it registered.

"Josh is very sweet. He's a good boy."

Tramp.

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm not promiscuous."

Not a tramp.

"Yet I wouldn't say I'm a serial monogamist, either."

Tramp.

"I mean, I went through periods of time when I was, ah, single."

Tramp.

"But when I'm in a relationship, I'm in a relationship."

Not a tramp.

"I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly."

Tramp.

"I work really hard when I'm in a relationship to make it work in a monogamous way."

Not a tramp.

"I get tested for HIV twice a year."

Tramp. Actually, there should be a triple-point alarm for that one. I'll fix it in version 2.0.

And the final determination of the Tramp Calibration Meter for Scarlett Johannson is:

Tramp wins 5-3!!

Want to find out if your girlfriend is a tramp? We have a whole building full of scientists waiting to test her out so send her over this weekend. Have her wear something slinky.

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posted by Buckaroo at 12:06 PM |

2 attempts to be as funny as a scientist

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